5 – Daniel Tosh: Songtexte, Musikvideos & Konzerte

5

1.747

Standup Comedy

5 wurde am 8. März 2011 von Comedy Central Records als Teil des Albums Happy Thoughts veröffentlicht

Songdetails

AlbumHappy Thoughts

Veröffentlichungsdatum8. März 2011

LabelComedy Central Records

LanguageEnglish

Melodizität

Akustizität

Valence

Tanzbarkeit

Energie

BPM103

SONG-INFO

SONGTEXTE

Credits

PERFORMING ARTISTS

Daniel Tosh

Spoken Word

COMPOSITION & LYRICS

Daniel Tosh

Songwriter

PRODUCTION & ENGINEERING

Daniel Tosh

Producer

Songtexte

I gave a commencement speech recently at a high school

And that didn't go well at all

A bunch of high school kids

Parents that are proud of them

And I'm belittling the entire thing

And the administration got really upset with me, they're like

"Oh, uh, we didn't know you weren't gonna take it seriously"

To which I replied, "Really?

You thought this was where I was gonna get serious?

High school, how did you do it?"

No, I refused to give that generic speech

As I look out here, I see future lawyers and doctors

I gave the real speech, there's felons here

Some of you will die in a DUI accident tonight

I'm sorry, explain to me why a dose of reality

Before community college is a bad thing?

Because I certainly don't need to pander to the 1%

They don't need my little pep rally, they're gonna be just fine

Nobody's been a pile of shit their entire life

And then turned it around because of the commencement address

Excuse me? No, no, it just clicked

So you're saying I can be anything?

Oh yeah, that sounds way better than what I was gonna do

I like this guy

Don't you love it when people in school are like

"I'm a bad test taker"? You mean you're stupid

Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know?

No, no, I can totally relate, see

Because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my god-awful brushstrokes

Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here

But once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's

I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter here this evening

I assume your best work is in the a.m.?

Probably gets a bit abstract by noon

Hang in there, it gets worse

Ever hear this expression

"The worst day of fishing is better than the best day at work"?

Uh, I'll call BS, I've watched The Deadliest Catch on Discovery

I've never once been at work, capsized into 40-degree water

Watched all my coworkers die, and be like

"Hey, at least we're fucking fishing!" Huh?

Am I right, criminals? I mean, crew? Yeah

Your valedictorian's not on that ship

Unless of course, he just murdered his wife in Cancun

Uh, then maybe, then maybe, I don't know

Did Chris Brown beat Rihanna

Or did Rihanna get too close while Chris was dancing?

I don't know, I wasn't there

What I do know from watching Chris's music videos

Over and over is this guy loves to jump up

And do a roundhouse kick for absolutely no reason at all

Maybe he was just Stomping the Yard

And accidentally caught some of that horrible hairdo

There's no excuse for domestic violence

It sounds like a challenge

I mean, does everything have to be so black and white

In this kindergarten country of ours? There's no excuse

What if you come home from a long day at work

And your wife has drowned two of your kids?

She's about to dunk the third one

Can you run over and pop her then?

Unfortunately, no, there's no excuse

Gonna have to let her drown that third one

What if you asked her to DVR the game

But she forgets to record the half-hour show afterwards

Just in case it goes into overtime?

The point is there's a gray area, yeah

And I'm pretty sure my girlfriend found mine about two weeks ago

I asked her to record the game on ESPN, which she did

But not ESPN HD, and then she says

"Well, at least you still get to watch it"

Oh yeah, no, I pay extra money, so I can watch TV like poor people

I don't even feel bad for cheating on you this weekend

We have a rule in my house, if I'm ashamed, it doesn't count

You gotta plow a four to appreciate an eight

That's my mantra, yeah, I'll come home from a road trip and be like

"You are so beautiful," she's like

"Oh, you must have been with a pig this weekend"

I don't cheat on her, it's a joke

Don't get me wrong, I hate my girlfriend

I hate being in a relationship, but I'm faithful, that's the rule

You want your relationship to work

You have to be faithful

Uh, Tiger Woods, Jesse James

They thought they were above that simple rule

They're not, nobody is, and you can't explain it to women

Either, like, my, my girlfriend would be like, "Oh my goodness

Like you really wanna hook up with some skank?" Whoa, whoa

It's not you versus skank, honey, it's you versus every skank

Do you see how the scale shifts in the other direction at that point?

It's like she's a mighty Spartan warrior

But there's all these Persian whores that will eventually kill her

She gets the message

Written by: Daniel Tosh

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