Doc's Tune

I've got a little tale I'd like to tell to you

Fun and foolishness and some of it's true

There's some of it bad and some of it nice

And there's a little of it just plain old advice

That is to you young'uns that's a-thinkin' about gettin' married

You can take some advice from an old hand

'Cause I jumped the broomstick a long time ago

I got in awful late the other night

Me and my wife had the dernedest fight

She pulled my hair and then mashed my nose

Kicked my shins and stubbed my toes

That woman was mad at me

Trouble of it was she waited 'til I got

My shoes off before she started anything

You know that ingrown toenail still hurts

I's a-goin' down the road in my Model T

When a big chicken got in front of me

I'd kill that rooster right there on the spot

And I figured, well, that's the only one the old man's got

So I better go back and see about it

I drove right up to the edge of his yard

He's a-choppin' wood, a-workin' awful hard

I looked the old man right square in the face

And I says, "Sir, your rooster I'd like to replace"

And he looked at me kinda puzzled for a minute and said

"Son, start growin'!"

I's a-pullin' up turnips down on my knees

When I stirred up a nest of some kind of bees

About three dozen got in my pants

And it wasn't very long 'til I begin to dance

I's a-doin' the shimmy and the shake at the same time

You know that's nearly enough to make

A feller run off and leave his britches

And that's just what I done, couldn't help it

I's standin' in the corner by the mantelpiece

And right over my head sat a bottle of grease

I greased my feet with some of that grease

And went slippin' along under that mantelpiece

Huntin' cigarette butts, I wanted to do the job quick

Found some birds' toothbrushes but the girls had nipped all the snuff

There wasn't a swipe left

Make up the beds, gals, make 'em up nice

That Doc and Bill Monroe, they're comin' here tonight

They love chicken, they love pie

Don't tell their wives, but we like the sisters too

I went down to the henhouse to look for an egg

And I heared an old rooster shakin' a leg

He's a-givin' big orders to them hens upstairs

A-struttin' around and a-puttin' on airs

Them hens is a-singin', that rooster was kinda preachin'

He's a-bossin' that place pretty well

For when he took up a collection, they paid off in eggs

I think I'll keep that rooster

I's a-sittin' in the woods on a great big log

My finger on the trigger and my eye on a hog

This is before they had the stock law, you know

Pulled the trigger and the gun said zip

And I jumped on the hog with all my grip

The thing misfired

I could see the notches in his ears

Where I'd branded him when he was a pig

But I'll tell you, he's wilder than a jackrabbit, but he is fat

There's a squirrel a-gnawin' on a hickory nut

You oughta hear that rascal cut

I fired that gun and it made a big bang

The thing kicked me down and I couldn't see a thing

Dagnab, I broke my shoulder

Worst part of it was I missed my squirrel