The Mikado - Act 1: Our great Mikado, virtuous man

Our great Mikado, virtuous man

When he to rule our land began

Resolved to try

A plan whereby

Young men might best be steadied

So he decreed, in words succinct

That all who flirted, leered or winked

(Unless connubially linked)

Should forthwith be beheaded

Beheaded, beheaded

Should forthwith be beheaded

And I expect you'll all agree

That he was right to so decree

And I am right

And you are right

And all is right as right can be!

And you are right

And we are right

And all is right, is right as right can be!

And all is right as right can be

Right as right can be!

This stem decree, you'll understand

Caused great dismay throughout the land!

For young and old

And shy and bold

Were equally affected

The youth who winked a roving eye

Or breathed a non-connubial sigh

Was thereupon condemned to die —

He usually objected

Objected, objected

He usually objected

And you'll allow, as I expect

That he was right to so object

And I am right

And you are right

And everything is quite correct!

And you are right

And we are right

And everything is quite, is quite correct!

And everything is quite correct

All is quite correct!

And so we straight let out on bail

A convict from the county jail

Whose head was next

On some pretext

Condemned to be mown off

And made him Headsman, for we said

"Who's next to be decapited

Cannot cut off another's head

Until he's cut his own off

His own off, his own off

Until he's cut his own off."

And we are right, I think you'll say

To argue in this kind of way;

And I am right

And you are right

And all is right — too-loo-ral-lay!

And you are right

And we are right

And all is right — too-loo-ral, loo-ral-lay!

And you are right

And we are right

And all is right!

Ko-Ko the cheap tailor, Lord High Executioner of Titipu! Why, that's the highest rank a Citizen can attain!

It is. Our logical Mikado seeing no moral difference between the dignified judge that condemns a criminal to die, and the industrious mechanic who carries out the sentence, has rolled the two offices into one, and every judge is now his own executioner

But how good of you (for I see that you are a nobleman of the highest rank) to condescend to tell all this to me, a mere strolling minstrel!

Don't mention it. I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering. But I struggle hard to overcome this defect. I mortify my pride continually. When all the great officers of state resigned in a body, because they were too proud to serve under an ex-tailor, did I not unhesitantly accept all their posts at once?

And all the salaries attached to them? You did

It is consequently my degrading duty to serve this upstart as First Lord of the Treasury, Lord Chief Justice, Commander-in-Chief, Lord High Admiral, Master of the Buckhounds, Groom of the Back Stairs, Archbishop of Titipu, and Lord Mayor, both acting and elect, all rolled into one. And at a salary! A Pooh-Bah paid for his services! I a salaried minion! But I do it! it revolts me, but I do it!

And it does you credit

But I don't stop at that. I go and dine with middle-class people on reasonable terms. I dance at cheap suburban parties for a moderate fee. I accept refreshment at any hands, however lowly. I also retail State secrets at a very low figure. For instance, any further information on Yum-Yum would come under the head of a State secret. (Aside) Another insult, and, I think, a light one!