The Best of Schemes

For one hundred pounds

A lot though it sounds

The channel I bet that I swim

I'm a rascal for sports

So in my little shorts

I turned up full of vim

I said to myself "I'm fine

And the money's as good as mine"

But the best of schemes will often go wrong

They often go wrong with me

I jumped in the water but it all was in vain

For so cold and wet I jumped out again

Although I froze, I said "here goes"

And started good and strong

I swam for fourteen hours with the sea like a lake

I reached the other side and said "the money I'll take"

And then I found I'd swam the serpentine by mistake

And another good scheme went wrong

I used to live swell at a hotel

And there a young lady stayed too

So lovely was she, I said "this is me

I'll have to see more of you"

Quite well with her I chafed

And she guessed I'd got something caked

But the best of schemes will often go wrong

They often go wrong with me

She gave me the glances on the stairs we both passed

I said to myself "he have clicked at last"

I thought I'd bluff, the caveman stuff

My love was growing strong

That night I watched and waited till I heard her retire

Then crept along the landing in me scanty attire

But just as I got to her door the hotel caught fire

And another good scheme went wrong