Back in my college days, my love life was dry as you could get

Until that fateful day Al Gore brought us the Internet

There was no Firefox; we didn’t even have IE

Got on the web with Lynx, and bathed in the glorious ASCII

I found an MUD where people gathered to hang out

And bitch for hours that their life was nothing to talk about

I picked a username, dubbed myself TamponSubmarine

And soon an online angel emoted a smiley on my screen

We started talking and found that we had so much in common

Star Trek movies and a steady diet of Top Ramen

She Loved my Oily Llama

At least, that’s what I thought LOL stood for

We went to a private chat so we could get acquainted more

I worried that my roommate would soon be stumbling back home

To make sure he wouldn’t disturb us, I hung a sock over the phone

Then turned back to my keyboard to get back to my little e-flirt

And in my absence she had typed she’d taken off her shirt

I read her words, my mind went wild

She looked into my eyes and smiled

At least she told me that she did

Describing every move she’d make

Each place she’d touch, each breath she’d take

Soon I was typing one-handed

Who would've thought I'd end my years of dejected loneliness

Making hot keyboard love at 2.4 kbps

X-rated RPG

Like Penthouse Forum crossed with Zork

My fingers trembling as slowly we began to pork

She typed “I run my hands ever so slowly up your thighs

Caressing every inch as I look deep into your eyes

My breathing quickens as my lips part to take you in”

I typed “I ram your face ‘til

“I bruise my nuts against your chin”

We fooled around some more til an idea gave me pause

This is an online world, we're bound by no physical laws

I typed “I summon Dig Dug; I steal his pump and kick his ass"

“And then inflate my wang 'til it’s the size of Mama Cass"

“Then I bounce it back and forth on the floor screaming ‘BAM BAM!’ and then it births forth an army of enormous mutant sperm, each the size of a grand piano, and they look at me and hiss ‘WHAT BE THY BIDDING, MASTER?’ and I say ‘GO FORTH AND GIVE JERRY BRUCKHEIMER A DRANO ENEMA!” and they go flying off into the grayscale sunset cackling maniacally as a heavenly chorus of angels plays the theme song to ‘Coach’ on kazoo in perfect 13,000-part harmony but I can barely hear them because I’m tearing through the jungle in my laser-powered rocket canoe with Winona Ryder and a talking crime-fighting ninja chicken and we’re-"

“What? No Carrier? What the hell?”

Telnetted back to the domain

And in the dark, fingered her name

But she was no longer logged in

Silently as my hard drive churned

I sat awaiting a return

But I’d never hear from her again

I never will forget that night

I caught an angel in mid-flight

And for one brief moment, she was mine

And though our time has come and gone

And though I’m sure that you’ve moved on

I’ll always less than three you, SkankLord9