It Would Have Been Wonderful

I should never have gone to the theater

Then I'd never have come to the country

If I never had come to the country

Matters might have stayed as they were

Sir...

Sir...

(sung)

If she'd only been faded

If she'd only been fat

If she'd only been jaded

And bursting with chat

If she'd only been perfectly awful

It would have been wonderful

(spoken)

If... If...

(sung)

If she'd been all a-twitter

Or elusively cold

If she'd only been bitter

Or better

Looked passably old

If she'd been covered with glitter

Or even been covered with mold

It would have been wonderful

But the woman was perfection

To my deepest dismay

Well, not quite perfection

I'm sorry to say

If the woman were perfection

She would go away

And that would be wonderful

(spoken)

Sir...

Sir...

(sung)

If she'd only looked flustered

Or admitted the worst

If she only had blustered

Or simpered or cursed

If she weren't so awfully perfect

It would have been wonderful

(spoken)

If... If...

(sung)

If she'd tried to be clever

If she'd started to flinch

If she'd cried or whatever

A woman would do in a pinch

If I'd been certain she never

Again could be trusted an inch

It would have been wonderful

But the woman was perfection

Not an action denied

The kind of perfection

I cannot abide

If the woman were perfection

She'd have simply lied

Which would have been wonderful

If she'd only been vicious...

If she'd acted abused...

Or a bit too delicious...

Or been even slightly confused...

If she had only been sulky

Or bristling

Or bulky

Or bruised

It would have been wonderful...

If...

If...

If she'd only been willful...

If she only had fled...

Or a little less skillful...

Insulted, insisting...

In bed...

If she had only been fearful

Or married

Or tearful

Or dead

It would have been wonderful

But the woman was perfection

And the prospects are grim—

That lovely perfection

That nothing can dim

Yes, the woman was perfection

So I'm here with him...

Sir...

Sir...

It would have been wonderful