The Biggest Aspidistra In the World

For years we had an aspidistra in a flower pot On the whatnot, near the 'atstand in the 'all It didn't seem to grow 'til one day our brother Joe Had a notion that he'd make it strong and tall So he's crossed it with an acorn from an oak tree And he's planted it against the garden wall It shot up like a rocket, 'til it's nearly reached the sky It's the biggest aspidistra in the world We couldn't see the top of it, it got so bloomin' high It's the biggest aspidistra in the world When father's had a snoot full at his pub, 'The Bunch of Grapes' He doesn't go all fighting mad and getting into scrapes No, you'll find him in his bear-skin playing Tarzan of the apes Off the biggest aspidistra in the world We have to get it watered by the local fire brigade So they put the water rates up half a crown The roots stuff up the drains, grow along the country lanes And they came up half a mile outside the town Once we hired an auditorium for a hot house But a jealous rival went and burnt it down The tom cats and their sweethearts love to spend their evenings out Up the biggest aspidistra in the world They all begin meowing when the buds begin to sprout From the biggest aspidistra in the world The dogs all come around for miles, a lovely sight to see They sniff around for hours and hours and wag their tails with glee So I've had to put a notice up to say it's not a tree It's the biggest aspidistra in the world