It's No Use Looking At Me

Last Sunday I strolled into church

The first time for years

A christening they had

A fine baby lad

The parson said "Now who's the pa of this bouncing boy?"

He looked at me, I grabbed my hat

I said, "I don't do things like that"

It's no use looking at me

No use looking at me

He said, "I thought a likeness I could see"

I blushed red all around my ears

And said, "My word, what strange ideas

Why, I've been to sea for the last three years"

So it's no use looking at me

It's no use looking at me

In the courts a murder case

I heard being tried

The murderer sat there

He's at large today

But no doubt they'll trace him by the scar on his face

The judge then glared all round the dock

He caught my eye, I said, "Old cock"

It's no use looking at me

No use looking at me

He said, "I thought a scar on your face I could see"

I said, "You're rather out of place

I've got a scar but in my case

It's a damned long way off from my face"

So it's no use looking at me

It's no use looking at me

At acting once I tried my hand

They said I'd be good

Arrangements were made

And Hamlet I played

I got rather muddled when I dressed for the part

The audience were full of grins

I shouted out "Oddsbodykins"

It's no use looking at me

No use looking at me

I was feeling a draught around my anatomy

I must have looked the sight of sights

I shouted, "Eee, turn out the lights

'Cause I've only got one leg in my tights"

So it's no use looking at me

No, no, it's no use looking at me