Quest for the Golden Frog

Prof. Elemental: So yeah, basically it lunged at me Its claws bared and its teeth clumped together So of course I shot it in the face! Imagine my surprise when it turned out to be Princess Anne... Oh, s-sorry? Oh, Is the mic on? Oh hello? Hello? Right-o Well thank you Lord Bucksley And I, I'd like to welcome you to this lecture Of the Gentlemen's Club of the Empire! Uh, in front of you you'll find your Brain-O-Matic helmets It's a marvelous device Which will conjure pictures of my exploits directly into your delicate heads If you'd like to attach the electrodes and then simply insert the spinal syringe... Ah, there we go! Well. Let's begin! Attention Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen! Professor Elemental recommends My lecture, meant for special friends Attend my adventure to the very end My quest was risky, my role was odd I set out for the mystic golden frog! (Oooh!) It was the stuff of legends Said to give the bearer a glimpse of Heaven! Plus, it was quite shiny So in preparation First I drew a map from my imagination, Packed my battenberg and my absinthe Marmoquin, blunderbuss, and my collapsing magic staff! Plus a tea-pot and some proper grey Stoke the fire, set the bellows Come on fellows, chocks away! A-ha! To find the frog... HEY YOU! Pack your bags, it's time to trip, With the good Professor so ride the ship, Exotic dancer third, then scientist, But explorer first, so I enlist YOU! Pack your bags, it's time to trip, With the good Professor so ride the ship, Exotic dancer third, then scientist, But explorer first Week one: Crash-landed near Tanzania, Surrounded by savages in rabbit ears Before you could say "My good man, how queer!" I held aloft my magic spear! "In the name of the empire, bring me the frog!" Amazingly, they made me their king or their god I didn't think this was odd until we got to the volcano Hotter than my stage show Time for me to lay low... Week two: I used my string to tie bamboo poles A useful thing I roll in to surf the rising tide I feel alive like a viking Time to ride to the ship In a storm, how exciting! Let's take to the skies with the power of lightning! Launch the nets Geoffery! It's going to be a rough ride HEY YOU! Pack your bags, it's time to trip With the good Professor So ride the ship Exotic dancer third, then scientist Explorer first, so I enlist YOU! Week three: No closer to finding the frog But I had an absinthe party With the Munchkins of Oz! No trouble to come in to land For opium, tea and mushrooms in Wonderland (More tea?) And this is something grand From London to Australia, my cunning plan Was completely and utterly unsuccessful! So I left to go settle back at home with my kettle For the rest I need - You'll never guess what was hiding under the settee! Yes! It's the frog! Oh, pardon me I forgot, I won it in a wager last week! ...That is embarrassing, isn't it? A little bit of a waste of time, really Geoffrey must have tucked it under there, I suppose... Well, anyway Uh, thank you for coming! Ah, I hope you consider my application for funding For next year's trip to find life on Mars I know the chances of anything coming to Earth Are a million to one, or so they say But I disagree, really! And I think that... Oh, hello? Hello? Oh, where's everyone gone?