Praline: (whistles a bit, then) Hello. I would like to buy a fish license, please

Postal clerk: A what?

Praline: A license for my pet fish, Eric

Clerk: How did you know my name was Eric?

Praline: No, no, no! My fish's name is Eric. Eric the fish. He's an halibut

Clerk: What?

Praline: He is an halibut

Clerk: You've got a pet halibut?

Praline: Yes, I chose him out of thousands. I didn't like the others, they were all too flat

Clerk: You must be a loony

Praline: I am not a loony. Why should I be tarred with the epithet 'loony' merely because I have a pet halibut? I've heard tell that Sir Gerald Nabarro has a pet prawn called Simon - you wouldn't call him a loony! Furthermore Dawn Palethorpe, the lady show jumper, had a clam called Stafford, after the late chancellor. Alan Bullock has two pikes, both called Chris, and Marcel Proust had an 'addock! So if you're calling the author of 'A la recherche de temps perdu' a loony, I shall have to ask you to step outside!

Clerk: All right, all right, all right. A license?

Praline: Yes!

Clerk: For a fish

Praline: Yes!

Clerk: You *are* a loony

Praline: Look, it's a bleeding pet, isn't it? I've got a license for me pet dog Eric, I've got a license for me pet cat Eric

Clerk: You don't need a license for your cat

Praline: I bleedin' well do and I've got one! Can't be caught out there!

Clerk: There is no such thing as a bloody Cat license

Praline: Yes there is

Clerk: No there isn't

Praline: Is!

Clerk: Isn't!

Praline: Is!

Clerk: Isn't!

Praline: Is!

Clerk: Isn't!

Praline: Is!

Clerk: Isn't!

Praline: Is!

Clerk: Isn't!

Praline: Is!

Clerk: Isn't!

Praline: What's that then?

Clerk: This is a dog license with the word 'dog' crossed out and 'cat' written in, in crayon

Praline: Man didn't have the right form

Clerk: What man?

Praline: The man from the cat detector van

Clerk: The loony detector van, you mean

Praline: Look, it's people like you what cause unrest

Clerk: What cat detector van?

Praline: The cat detector van from the Ministry of Housinge

Clerk: Housinge?

Praline: It was spelt like that on the van. I'm very observant. I never seen so many bleedin' aerials. The man said their equipment could pinpoint a purr at four hundred yards, and Eric being such a happy cat was a piece of cake

Clerk: How much did you pay for this?

Praline: Sixty quid and eight for the fruit-bat

Clerk: What fruit-bat?

Praline: Eric the fruit-bat

Clerk: Are all your pets called Eric?

Praline: There's nothing so odd about that. Kemal Ataturk had an entire menagerie called Abdul

Clerk: No he didn't

Praline: Did!

Clerk: Didn't!

Praline: Did, did, did, did, did and did!

Clerk: Oh all right

Praline: Spoken like a gentleman, sir. Now, are you going to give me a fish license?

Clerk: I promise you that there is no such thing. You don't need one

NB: The TV Version continues.....the album version continues below

Praline: Then I would like a statement to that effect signed by the Lord Mayor

(Fanfare of trumpets. Mayor gorgeously dressed with dignitaries enters flanked by trumpeters.)

Clerk: You're in luck

(In long shot now. The Mayor, who is nine foot high, and dignitaries approach a startled Praline. Organ music below a reverent voice over)

********** TV Version finishes - continuation of Album Version **********

Praline: In that case give me a bee license

Clerk: A license for your pet bee

Praline: Correct

Clerk: Called Eric? Eric the bee?

Praline: No

Clerk: No?

Praline: No, Eric the half bee. He had an accident

Clerk: You're off your chump

Praline: Look, if you intend by that utilization of an obscure colloquialism to imply that my sanity is not up to scratch, or indeed to deny the semi-existence of my little chum Eric the half bee, I shall have to ask you to listen to this. Take it away, Eric the orchestra-leader