Valentine's Day

Guys, can we just tone it down this year for Valentine's Day?

Tone it down? Nickey, Valentine's Day, it's wonderful, it's-it's—

It's a day of hugs and snuggles

A time to spread your loving seeds

It's a rolling, growing pink snowball

Of stress that no one needs

It's unhealthy expectations

An opportunity to impress

It's a yearly grim reminder

That your life's a fucked-up mess

It's a dark and lurid history

Of deviant Pagan kicks

It's outrageously expensive

Just stay home and watch the Knicks

It's a big, fat middle finger

To those who're all alone

Whether sick or tired or uninspired

You still gotta bring the bone

It's a clusterfuck of passions

An emotional tour de force

It's a cuddly little Cupid

With the cock of a full-grown horse

Valentine, St. Valentine

I gotta make it through your day

Of candy hearts and chocolate sharts

And every bullshit love cliché

The hard-ons and the heartaches

The pressure, pain, and fear

Valentine's Day

Got to survive you another year

I can't take it

What does having a girl

All the pressure

Hormone monster mean?

I can make it

How long can I be

I'll impress her

A fuck machine?

I'll be cool, and

Why is there never

She'll be droolin'

Anyone for me?

But then

What if the Knicks aren't on TV?

Valentine, St. Valentine

Your day is fucking asinine

But I swear by God, I'm

Gonna make it through