I can beat every level in Mario

I can make you scrambled eggs

I can quote every line in Jumanji

I can open the fridge with my legs

I know how to go to the grocery store without using GPS

I learned how to juggle on YouTube

But there's something I gotta get off my chest

I don't know how to do my taxes

I stash my cash in a mattress

Don't know how to change a tire

Thats why I take the bus

Don't know how to use a drill

I gotta ask my neighbor Phil

To help me hang a picture

'Cause I'm stupid and I suck

I could learn all of these skills

But I doubt I ever will

My dad is ashamed of me

'Cause I just turned 33

I can nap pretty much whenever

I can cook a burger well done

I can make my eyes roll to the back of my head

I can make my tongue look like a hot dog bun

I know how to put two holes in an apple and smoke it like a bong

I can chug a can of sprite in a minute

And then carve that can into a bong

But I can't spell "restaurant"

I know it starts with "R"

And I know it ends with "T"

The middle is a mystery

I don't know how to make a pasta sauce

I mostly use ketchup

It's still tomato based

Get off my freaking case

I could learn all of this shit

But every time I try, I quit

My mom is ashamed of me

'Cause I just turned 33

When Albert Einstein was 26 he discovered relativity, and

When I was 26 I chugged some vodka through my butt at a party

When Greta Thunberg was 17 she was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize

When I was 17, I got shot in the dick playing paintball

When Michael Jordan was 24 he won the MVP award, and

When I was 24, I took mushrooms

When Oprah Winfrey was 32 she changed television forever

When I was 32 I asked my father for a hundred dollars

And he said no

Not again

Not a- not again, not again

No-ho-ho-ho-ho

Not again

Not a- not again, not again

I, I suck

I, I suck

I suck at stuff

I, I suck

I suck at stuff

I, I suck

I fucking suck

I suck, I suck

I suck at stuff

I suck, I suck

At stuff

I suck, I suck (I fucking suck, I suck)

I suck at stuff

I suck, I suck (I fucking suck, I suck)

I could learn all of these skills (I fucking suck so much)

But I doubt I ever will (I fucking suck!)

My uncle's ashamed of me

'Cause I just turned 33

And I suck!