The Biggest Dick in Hyrule

Arin: My name is Link and I just woke up

From a sleep that was apparently a hundred years plus

I’m all drenched in goo and partially nude

So I’mma try to see just what these twinky muscles do

First I’ll raise some towers so I can get a peek

At all the moblins, lizards and havoc to wreak

Eatin’ every single apple that I see

Takin’ newly woken giant robots down with glee

But I stop into town

And I take a look around

I realize I haven’t spoken to anyone

To brag about all the rad shit that I’ve done

Excuse me miss, I’d be remiss

If I didn’t introduce myself

Lady: Oh, I’m pissed

Arin: What?

Lady: I know who you are, you fuckin’ guy

Arin: Uh…

Lady: I never thought I’d get the chance to look you in the eye

Arin: I’m sorry I’m lost, do you know who I am?

Lady: Uh yeah you cuck, you killed my whole fam

Arin: I did?

Lady: Yes. Remember those towers you raised? My house was there.

Arin: Wow

Lady: I’m glad you’re amazed

Arin: Well look, I didn’t know that an ancient device

Would be right under your home

Lady: Um, a “sorry” would be nice

Arin: Okay it’s just I’ve been busting my ass

Doing all kinds of heroic things

Lady: I really didn’t ask

Arin: For example I’ve been deflecting lasers at these robots

Lady: Oh that’s cool, I just dug my son’s grave plot

Arin: The amount of recipes I’ve learned? So much

Lady: Nice, I’ll never feel my husband’s touch

Arin: I feel really bad

But I’m also a little mad

That my hard work is being undermined

It’s like, it’s not my fault your stupid family died

I figured I’d try to talk to someone nicer

So I approached this guy he was a master dicer

Hey man you’re good at slicin’ apples

That’s my main source of sustenance along my travels

Farmer: I’d love to chat but I’m in a bind

I have to make do with the apples I could find

There’s like, none, they’re all fuckin’ gone

Like someone ate the entire orchard for fun

Arin: The orchard with the sign behind the town’s where you grow it?

Farmer: Yeah, that’s the one

Arin: (burp) Cool, I don’t know it

Farmer: Whoever is responsible, whoever the traitor

I’m gonna slice off their dick

Arin: Okay, see you later!

   

Arin: Phew glad I’m outta there, hey maybe I’ll try

Another town of people, oh that’s cool they fly

Rito: We are the Rito, bird people of the skies

We also hate Hylians

Arin: Alright see ya, guys!

Maybe Hateno Village will be into my boastin’

Hi! I lit the blue torches!

Villager: What?! You let the ghosts in!

Arin: Moving along, I’m sure there’s a place

Where the people aren’t way into eating my face

Arin: Oh look it’s the Gorons

Gorons: Oh a face we can eat!

Arin: Well I think I’m gonna start beatin’ my feet

I don’t even know where the heck I could go

Oh sorry little Korok

Korok: Uh, you killed me bro

Arin: Damn, Mr. Horse Guy workin’ at the farm

Seems like everything I do just causes some harm

I hope my trusty horse didn’t pain or bother ya

Horse Guy: Oh no not at all, just gave us all cholera

Arin: How is that even… ugh... just whatever

I guess I’ll just think about it and do better

I’m gonna head to The Great Fairy to upgrade my sweater

Horse Guy: You awoke The Great Fairy?

Arin: Yeah

Guys: Daaamn

Awww, no cap?

Damn, she fine

Aw, let’s go!

Yeah she fine though man

Like mad fine

Sooo fine

Arin: Oh, so I didn’t mess up?

Guys: Hell no!

Whaaat?

Yeah, Don’t worry about it

Yeah man, it’s cool

Cool man

Horse Guy: However on account of the cholera we all have to shit all the time.

Guys: Yeah! Yeah!

Soooo much

It’s like whooooa

It’s like mad gross

Horse Guy: It’s like “brrrr”

Guys: HA HA YEAH!

Yeah! Wooo! He knows, he knows