You walk in soaking wet

With a chestnut latte, and a paper bag

Cinnamon raisin, my favorite

Toasted with cream cheese, you’re a Class A catch

The birds start singing when you float into the kitchen

Set your things down on the counter next to last week’s farmstand flowers

And you kiss me

But out of the corner of my eye

I see a text light up your phone

It reads ‘Meet me at 6pm’

‘Make sure your girl’s at home’

What?

Oh my god he’s cheating

Or best case he’s buying drugs

Who on earth is Mimi?

God I really hope that she sells drugs

Does he have a secret life? Does he have a secret wife?

Do I come out and ask him or follow him tonight?

Why would I even ask him? I’ll follow him tonight

6 o’clock, on the dot

No way he proves me right

Right?

I’m not sharp like Sherlock

But on Tuesday his tie was a tad askew

Came home late three minutes

Bet he had one extra deed to do

Was my bagel just a ruse to distract me from the truth

That the bakery’s next to some intern that he screws?

When I get a piece of him, he’ll be the one that’s screwed

6 o’clock, on the dot

That’s when I get the proof

I’ll catch you in 4K

Throw water on your face

You’re right where I want ya

Gotcha gotcha, I gotcha

Hold on a second

One deep breath, count to ten

In Mississippi’s, lemme get this straight

There’s a logical reason, you’re acting strange

Maybe you’re a gambler, or in the CIA

God I could save you from yourself or the assassins

As long as my man stays loyal I’d defend him, I’d go batshit

Prove my love

But now you won’t look me in the eye

You put your hand over your phone

And when I ask your plans tonight

You reply ‘I don’t know’

What?

But I think he does know

My spidey senses scream I’m right

Now I’m getting buckled

Risk a ticket, turn off my headlights

And I know it’s only four, but he shuffled out the door

Thinking’ that he’s so casual, but I’m headed off to war

Why on earth are you driving a hundred miles North?

I need gas, and a snack

But I must stay the course

Of course!

Probably end up stranded

In the middle of this nowhere town

Did he make a circle?

Man I could’ve sworn I’ve seen that house

Oh my god he’s pulling in, oh my god I’m feeling sick

And he’s grabbing a key from behind the porch swing

What’s the jail time for breaking and entering?

Ugh! I’ll give him 10, then he’s dead

I’ll prove everything

I’ll catch you in true form

I’m barging-in, full force

You’re right where I want ya

Gotcha gotcha, I gotcha

I storm in, covered in leaves

And an elderly woman’s, clutching her pearls

So that’s Mimi, 93

That’s your grandma, I forgot about her

There’s something sparkly twinkling on the kitchen island

Let me melt into the floorboards, that’s the family heirloom diamond

And you get down on one knee

In spite of my crazy

So glad that I caught ya

Gotcha gotcha, I gotcha