Fright of Their Lives

Okay Listen up, I'm not gonna lie Right now, you couldn't frighten a fly Or scare a seagull off of a fry You ever stop to ask yourselves "Why?" Both of you are super polite Middle class, suburban, and white Well, all of that is finished tonight Except for the white part, obviously Take your places I want scary faces Now go! Bigger, further, harder Not bad Sever a head Preferably someone you know Look at me, I'm so scary Don't be so vanilla Would a little anger kill ya? C'mon, drop your panties I'm trying to fill you With wisdom and skill And the instinct to kill Again, we do not want to kill anyone Fine! But somehow, someway You gotta make 'em see ya' I'm talkin' jump scares The jerky Japanese ghost-walk, plus Learn to throw your voice Fool your friends Fun at parties Now that is cool! I wanna do that! Whatever it takes to make 'em go crazy Raising the stakes by punching a baby Scare 'em awake 'til they break They'll be quaking in fright 'Cause you've got some evil deep down inside you Put all the farmer's markets behind you You've gotta work Gotta haunt 'til it hurts through the night And give those guys the fright of their lives Yeah, yeah! Let's start with things that you hate Hate's a very strong word Perhaps when people are late Or getting pooped on by birds No, what fills you with rage? Being mean to a pet Chefs who use too much sage when they make beurre noisette Over-glutinous food Or when kids call me "dude" Oh, I find that so rude! Well, there's lots there to use Take a deep breath And give me your best primal scream Ah! Barbara, that was brilliant! Really? Try it again Maybe this time pretend like you mean it Ah! That was even better! Thanks! I want freedom But to get my freedom I need them To get a living person to say my name Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse? I know that beggars can't be choosers But do they have to be such losers? Both of them are deathly dull and lame Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse Why God, slash Satan, did you send these bed wetters? Even, like, a tax attorney would've been better Somebody with gravitas Somebody to fear who Excuse me, Mr. Betelgeuse So, we can kind of hear you Yeah? Well, that was a soliloquy so you're the one who's being rude Whatever it takes to make 'em go crazy Turn all the lights on Dress like a baby Adam, I don't even— no! Get your heads in the game Let's hide their phones Screw their phones! Ugh, these dopes are both hopeless How will I ever survive? Unless they get the fright of their lives (yes, yes, we're feelin' it, they're gonna feel it, we're killin' it!) They gotta get the fright of their lives (we're scary, very, very, scary!) They'll never get the fright of their lives (yeah!)