Stop Drop & Roll

You got the house, you got the move. We got a five-year-old daughter, man, we moved to this small town. Start anew in this small town. She's in kindergarten now. Any parent knows, you know you love when your kid comes home and they act like they've learned something at school that you don't know yet? I mean, don't get me wrong, by third grade that'll start happening, I'm aware of that. But I'd like to think I would be the valedictorian of kindergarten.

But they had a fireman come to the school. Now my daughter comes home, we're having dinner. She's like, "Dad, when there's a fire, you stop, drop and roll". And she said it with such conviction that I had to be like, "Yeah, no. If it's near you, absolutely. But if it's upstairs and you're downstairs, then you just run out". She's already at that age giving me lip. "Uh, no, dad. You stop, drop and roll". Now I'm like, "Oh, yeah, if it's near you!", and my wife goes, "Gosh, she's just telling you what to do." I go, yeah. And I'm telling her, man, if it's near her. You shouldn't agree with her to agree. She's got to know what's the deal". On a fire all of her friends are running out and she's rolling around like a god damn pinball. Everyone's like, "What happened with Corey Ellie's kid? She wouldn't get up, she just kept rolling around" ... like one of those vacuums that eventually gets every crevice.

No, more than ever were into it with the safety with the kids. Right? Like I got these two big porches. I got this old Victorian house. Total money pit of a house man. My daughter and her friends they'll sit out on the porch, people jog by and they just yell out, "Hi" until the person says hi back. My neighbors like, "Do you think that's safe, them saying hi to everyone?". I'm like, oh God, what do you want me to put chicken wire around the thing?

You got to admit though, right? I mean, I'll see these headlines where it says attempted child abduction. Attempted, like they didn't get it done. I don't want to sound crass, but I mean, if you can't get a kid into a van, seriously? You know what you need to get my daughter into a van? A van. That's it! That's it! You pull up, you open up that van door. She'll be right there. "What you got in there? What you got in there?" It would be more difficult to keep her out of the van. Be giving her a light shove, "Get away from the van kid". Right? Cop would pull up, "What's going on?", like I'm trying to drop off a carpet, the kid keeps trying to climb into the god damn van.