Keeping Your Kids Safe

Everyone has their own methods of dealing with trying to help keep their kids safe. I got something I got to share with you. I call it the inappropriate touch test. No, because that's my big fear. Right? The kids get touched. I told my daughter, "If anyone ever touches you or sticks their hand down your butt, you stop and yell, 'No, no, Mommy, Daddy." And run away. We do dry runs around the house. My wife and I'll be having coffee and my kid walks into the kitchen, I put my hand down her butt, she goes, "No, no, Mommy, Daddy." And she runs away. And she comes back and we fist pump, blow it up. My wife goes, "She's got it down." I'm like, "Yeah, I know. I think I got to run her on a real track now." My wife's like, "She's got it down." I'm like, "She's got the drill down. That's what she's got."

And then my best friend since I was in third grade, him and his wife came to visit last summer. They have no kids. Spent two days with us. Went to the beach one day. Now it's the next day, he's met my daughter now for about 24 hours. We're making dinner. I'm explaining my whole inappropriate touch test to him. Of course he calls me a sick bastard, let's get that out of the way. My daughter's on the iPad and I go, "I need you to go over and just give her a little rub. It'd be perfect right now."

By the way, little side note, any parent knows, that iPad, whoa, I could give my daughter the iPad and I could go to Miami for the weekend. That's not even an exaggeration.

So my buddy goes up, and he goes, "Oh, whatever." He just gives her a light on the back. He's like, "Hey, what are you doing sweety." And she goes, "That tickles." I come walking out of the kitchen, I go, "No. It's no, no, Mommy, Daddy." Right? And she goes, "No, that's our game, Dad."

My buddy goes, "I think you've got a bigger problem on your hands now, bro." That's all I need is my daughter in school on a rainy day, the teacher's like, "Does anyone have any games you play at home with your family?" My daughter's like, "Sometimes my dad sticks his hand down my ass. Then we fist pump and blow it up." Teacher's like, "All right, everybody heads down. I have to make a quick phone call. Heads down. Heads down."