Spoken)

Give yourself over to the failure inside of you, and let it envelop your soul

Failure is not out to get you. Failure wants to be your friend, the one you can count on when success, that is ever-elusive, eludes you

Failure is not out to fuck you. Failure wants you to fuck it – to fuck it all

Failure wants you to be proud of your lack of accomplishments

Failure wants you to own your own incompetence

Failure wants you to be confident in your inability to do anything

Failure doesn't want you to try; failure wants you to fail

Failure wants you to get over your fear of failure – and what better way to do that than to fail and fail again?

If at first you don't succeed, fail and fail again

And fail again

And fail again

And walk tall. And stand up, and say, "I am a failure

"I am a failure

"I am a failure."

If it is difficult to do this – if it is difficult for you to think of yourself as a failure – if, for example, you have a good career, a nice place to live, a happy family, a lot of money, a sense of purpose, or belief that in the end, everything will all work out – remember all the things in your life you tried to do, but never, ever could

Think of how when you were five, and you wanted to be an astronaut, and then the space program went into the toilet

Think of how much you wanted to have sex with such-and-such a person, and you were rejected, or too shy to even try

Think of how many times in your life things didn't go your way, and remember: external forces are never to blame. You are the center of your universe, the only force that can ever affect you. Therefore, anything that doesn't work out for you is all your fault

You are responsible for all of your successes, and the lack thereof. And that is the essential point that failure, your ever-faithful friend, wants to make: that your failure could not exist without you – without your stupidity, without your lies, without your mistakes, your uselessness, your lack of faith, your ineptitude, your unjustifiable confidence in your alleged abilities, you stupid loser – failure is your only friend. Failure is your only lover. Failure is your only hope

So befriend it. Make love to it. And believe in it with all your might. Because failure is all there is for you