Reflection

One day, "life" got me good. 

 I was running from it.

 I thought I had all the time in the world.

 But I look back, and I've always felt the sensation of it chasing me, and one

day it caught up.

 When it happened, of course I had regrets about girls and relationships, but,

my thoughts went a little beyond that.

 I think back to my days in the States. I was in elementary school and I was

bullied as fuck.

 As a Japanese kid I didn't know English apart from Hi and Thank you, so it

was fucking easy to pick on me. I hated school so much I didn't go for a while.

 But I started going again when I made a friend. His name was James and he was

a black kid. I started enjoying it even more when I made a new friend Pedro, he

was Latino.

 I remember I went to his house one time, we hung out all day, and when my

parents came to pick me up, we went hiding in different places in his house so

that I don’t have to go home. It was so much fun as a kid I'd never forget.

 It's memories and people like that, which makes me wanna give back to the

world

 Cause it helps me to believe that, the world ain’t so full of shit.

 I think about people who’s supporting me, like my mother. She's been sick

ever since I was a kid, but she's a fighter. 

 Right now she's suffering from Fibromyalgia. It causes severe pain all over

the body. It's said to be caused by an inflammation in the brain, which could

be caused by traumas in the past. 

 Most of the time it is difficult for her to go out. Sometimes the pain is so

intense, she cannot leave the bed. There's no silver bullet for the illness at

the moment.

  

 One thing that does wonders for her pain, however, is music. She's always

been a singer. Even when she's having a rough time, she's always reaching out

to her friends and the public through her music.

 And all in all, she is my mother. She's my fan since day 1. She can't come to

the shows, but I always give her the footage, and she watches it again and

again.

 I love her dearly, from the bottom of my heart. 

 Different faces keep popping up in my mind.

 I think about people who I don’t talk to anymore. Like my Indian pal who

became my first friend and stuck with me all the time when I transferred. When

I had no other friends and the teachers didn't believe me.

 And I think about people who I respect. Like my uncle who passed from cancer

about 10 years ago, but raised 3 children who grew up to be fantastic

individuals.

 Or my grandmother who's experienced the war, and later fought cancer 5 times

and never lost. And spent her life giving back to the world through her career

as a teacher and a leader.

 When it happened to me, that’s who I thought about. I wanted to talk to them

again. I wanted to do something for people who’s done a lot for me. And I

wanted to be like them.

 In the past, this felt like a huge responsibility. Socially and economically,

its thanks to a scholarship but I do go to a private school, and I'm not

struggling too much to pay the bills, so I thought I shouldn't complain. Even

when me and my family were battling with issues like traumas, illnesses and

losses. But that sense of entitlement was stopping me from progress.

 I was also creating a stereotypical self within me, which was crushing me and

limiting my own potential from flourishing. I was creating an imaginary,

complete self that I thought I had to aim for. Somehow I was thinking that, I

thought I had to be an ideal son, an ideal musician, an ideal Asian young man,

and an ideal human being.... And in the process of fitting myself to that, I

got lost. 

 And also, I thought it was my job to achieve these stereotypes. I thought it

was my responsibility. I was constantly comparing myself with an ideal figure

that I created, which constantly reminded me about my worthlessness. 

 The exact goals that were supposed to motivate me, were crushing me, so I

tried to keep going but it got me nowhere. And this has led to the feeling of

unimportance and failure. 

 I was also in a toxic cycle of neglect and comparison. I could not share my

issues with others, as I was afraid that will confirm the fact that I am indeed

a failure. Instead, I begun to protect my pride by isolating myself and moving

away from people who had similar interests and abilities as me, so that I can

feel somewhat exceptional. It was my way of neglecting reality. I stopped

challenging and only did things I felt comfortable doing. 

 Above all, it was my failures, misfortune and my family which made me realize

the mistake in my thinking, and shifted my perspective. All in all, it’s all

about the fragility of human life. One happiness will fade after another, even

if you make an effort. People leave, and people die. No matter what you do. And

it could be because of the consequences of your actions. And in the next

moment, it could be your turn. That is easy to understand but so difficult to

feel. 

 As corny as it sounds, I am fortunate, to live this life. I’m able to feel

joy and that cannot be taken for granted. When I finally embraced this, I was

able to become positive. I was also able to realize my genuine aspirations, and

I started aiming for that, instead of everything I thought was important for me

to accomplish. 

 It made it much easier to cut certain things off, and focus on the joy of

life. 

 My goals became less of a burden that I had to carry. My privilege became

less of a guilt, and rather an advantage I will use to give back to others and

myself. The stereotypes faded.

 I still want to be somebody, but the important thing was that I can’t, as

long as I keep feeding myself these toxic thoughts.

 We all have our inner demons. And everybody's in a constant battle. Maybe you

are in a similar situation as me. Sometimes, all we have to do is to pat our

backs, to tell ourselves that we are doing a good job, and take it easy. Even

if everybody else's nice to you, if you aren't nice to yourself, it'll make it

difficult for you to keep going. I'm still fighting my own demons, the match is

not over, I just realized who my opponents are. But I feel like I'm moving

forward.

 We all have to remember that our problems are not small. We don't need to

feel guilty, cause we’re all born under different circumstances, which decide a

significant part of our lives. We don't need to be perfect. We don’t have a

responsibility to fulfill certain expectations. All everybody wants you to do,

is to live your life. If that is art, do art. If that is your job, do that.

Everybody has something that they like doing. Even if it is small. Dedicate

your life to that. Fuck what everybody else says. If you are happy, I think

that's all that matters.

 I'm going to dedicate my life to my purpose and people I love. I always had

that passion, but now I feel like I have a right attitude in doing so.

 The sense of entitlement, stereotypes, and the sense of responsibility. Those

were my inner demons. I’m still fighting them but, when I realized that,

something changed. Now, I feel like I’m moving towards a brighter life. A fresh

start, and I’m headed so much faster to where I want to be. A place, I hope, is

somewhere happier. But I still got a long way to go. And I don’t have time to

spare.