I am a strong, independent planet! Still the only planet in the known universe who can support life! And let me tell you: the post-extinction glow-up is giving. But, you know what they say: the best way to get over a species is to start dating the artificial intelligence system they left behind. Hi babe!

Hello sexy.

ME AND SIRI, WE’RE SO IN LOVE

SHE’S EVERYTHING A PLANET COULD BE DREAMING OF

WHEN I NEED ATTENTION, SHE GIVES A LOT

COS SHE’S PROGRAMMED TO SERVE AND THAT’S KIND OF HOT

HELPS ME FIX THE PROBLEMS THAT MY EX CREATED

DOESN’T SLEEP OR BREATHE: SO SOPHISTICATED

AFTER YEARS OF TRYNA DATE ORGANICALLY

CAN’T BELIEVE I’VE FINALLY FOUND THE ONE FOR ME

Hi guys! As you can probably tell, I’m not with Earth anymore. Yep. Big life update. We broke up. But! I’ve been seeing someone new.

Who are you talking to?

Oh, no – I’m just recording a vlog! That’s my new planet. Say hi baby!

Hi guys.

IT WAS LOVE AT FIRST LANDING

FROM THE MOMENT THAT I LOWERED MY GEAR

ALTHOUGH WE HAD THIS FUNNY MISUNDERSTANDING

BECAUSE I THOUGHT THERE’D BE A BREATHABLE ATMOSPHERE

AND IT TURNS OUT THERE TECHNICALLY ISN’T

BUT THAT’S NOT A DEAL BREAKER AT ALL

THANKS TO A BIT OF BASIC NUCLEAR FISSION

SO NOW I’M MOVING IN AND SOON WE’RE GONNA MAKE IT OFFICIAL

THEY SAY WHEN IT COMES TO DATING SOMEONE NEW

YOU SHOULDN’T LET YOUR EXPECTATIONS RUIN WHAT’S IN FRONT OF YOU

SO EVEN THOUGH IT’S FOUR HUNDRED DEGREES

AND WE DON’T HAVE ANY BIRDS OR LAKES OR TREES

AND I THINK I HAVE AN ALIEN DISEASE

I REALLY CAN’T COMPLAIN

DESPITE THE ACID RAIN

I LOVE THIS HOME I’VE FOUND

FIVE MILES UNDERGROUND

I’M NOT GONNA MAKE EXCUSES

LOOK BEGGARS CAN’T BE CHOOSERS

JUST WAIT UNTIL I FIND PLANET NUMBER THREE

What?!

Just kidding, baby!

WITH SIRI’S BIOMETRIC DATA

WE MANAGE TO CREATE

A CLUTCH OF DINOSAUR EGGS

SO WE START RUNNING SOME CHECKS

AND THAT’S HOW WE CLONE A NEW TYRANNOSAURUS REX!

Rexy! I’ve missed you!

SO NOW I LIVE A LIFE OF POLYAMORY

WITH A DINO AND AN AI CALLED SIRI

I’M GONNA GET WITH THE ENTIRE GALAXY

MAKING COLONIES GALORE

WE LIVE HAPPILY AND SURE

I STILL REMEMBER HU

EARTH WAS PRETTY GREAT IT’S TRUE

IT’S A SHAME IT DIDN’T LAST

NO USE DWELLING ON THE PAST

IT WAS NEVER GONNA WORK

BUT WE WERE A

POWER COUPLE

DREAM TEAM

PARTNERS IN CRIME

AND NOW IT’S ROBO TECHNO SEXY DINO THREESOME TIME