Just Us

Hey bro... Remember when it was just us? Looking up at the sky, wondering what's what "Is there a god or is it just us?" "Man, shut up..." I used to rough you up and call it tough love You were my baby bro... I used to hate you so Little pip squeak, always taking my favorite clothes Kindergarten buried your Barney in the backyard You dug it up with your bare hands-now that's hard Karma had a way of sorting that out Fell out a tree, broken in pieces by that hole in the ground IV morphine... In a hospital bed I turned fiend In a body cast, like a body bag at thirteen "It's just us, please empty this cup full of pee!" And you'd agree, even though you struggled with OCD I'll never forget that, even if you had to overreach You had my back, dirtied your hands when you were oh so clean From sponge baths to bedpans, saw me rot away Slumped in a wheelchair, a year 'til I could walk again I healed up, but my brain began to inflict pain While you'd had enough-suicidal in the fifth grade Shit, was it all my tormenting that made you this way? I blame my behavior for your depression to this day Yours was getting better, but mine took a turn for the worse I took to the streets, hoping they'd murder me first Self-harm was a charm, arms full of third-degree burns Fighting fire with fire, only the hurting that works Mom is catching on, sensed something wrong once the drugs came in It wasn't long before you saw me spilling blood for them Thinking, "Maybe if I listen and pee in this cup for him He'll really stop this time, and it can be just us again!" Weren't even a teen, should've never made you have a hand Our bonding time confined to you helping me bag up grams I hoped by letting you in, you'd never want to be me But that was just naïve, caught me crushing coke on a CD I had just started high school, and it only got worse from there Mostly a blur, but somehow survived those turbulent years It was just us, kid. It was just us Big brother slipping you sips from the kitchen cupboard No one knows, can't diagnose what's overcome us Only the holiest of mothers could ever love us Ma, remember that night, it was just us? When I had snuck out and stumbled in punch drunk Some liquor and ecstasy left me on the cusp of Death... "Here dear, have some Ipecac with your custard" At this point, you ain't arm the house to keep people out You set alarms to keep me in so you could sleep an ounce You swore you'd had enough, but I was calling your bluff That you couldn't just sit there and watch your boy vomiting blood Blackish-brown like coffee grounds when it come out You were right to trust your gut and not let me out after sundown From rehabs to the relapses, you always cared for me Cradle to the grave, I was always in such a damn hurry Well here we are... Stomach kicks and organs shift Bloody in your lap like it's come to my origins Full circle, the serpent swallowed its tail whole "Bastard!" You yell, all while stroking my hair though Scolding yourself, like, "Why the hell did I name you John? When no one in this family with that name's made 21!" Knew I was dying, but the fact that I was drunk driving Horrified you 'cause I was like the guy who killed your brother Johnny The one you named me after... Mommy, I'm so sorry I never meant to do this, been trying to lose my heartbeat Only called me J.C. to help you say goodbye So let me go now, please, just say goodnight You can leave, it's ok Mom, it's just us Let me sleep in my blood and guts full of substance But you won't budge, saying, "I'm staying 'til the suns up" Only your love could absolve me of all my fuck ups After that, I went away again-this time it took And hey, I turned 21 in there, like "Mama look!" Back home, it's been a year bro, you grown some My demons under control, but you still had your own ones After you popped a bottle, and they brought you to the hospital It was your first-wouldn't be mine-I'm plotting on what I could do Asked the doctor kindly if I could get a cot with you He smiled, looked him dead in the eye, "No, I could be a monster too!" Got awkward, Mom was crying, so I backed out "Your brother will be fine. You? Might not get let back out! You remember what happened last time? That psych Ward almost took us to court and you swore it'd be your last!" Fine. Wouldn't be his, but I never had to ask why Shit, joking 'bout killing ourselves was a favorite pastime Just to pass time... But we really lived that life Where the promise of death's the only thing that lets you slip at night One in the same-a shame-so misunderstood But we always had each other, and nothing in this world Could take that from us, 'cause man we faced that plummet And found our way back from it trying to turn suffering to good And we would... But your kindness caught up to you And what started as a favor turned fatal under a partial moon Something I'm accustomed to, but not the fate that befell you Your heart giving way, left alone in a strange hotel room What can I tell you, other than I failed you? I should've been there to hold your hand when you fell through You were doing well, your new meds started working Made some new friends, wanted to experiment like a regular person Mixed the wrong shit-happiness-for the first time, you made it I hate to say it, but you were safer in isolation Try to tell myself, "At least you went out on a high" But we all know you the wrong one to go 'tween you and I It was just us, but it should've been me Couldn't believe my greatest weakness is what put you to sleep Why couldn't I see? Should've been me, I shouldn't even breathe It was just us, you caught what was meant to be a bullet for me... It's unjust, little brother, how it was just us And now it's just me, looking for comfort There's no justice. It was just us Now it's just me, wondering what's what