(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs

Well, I brought my own '45s So if you put 'em on I'll show you my stuff Haven't you already shown us enough? Oh, my god, how times have changed This girl's either blind or completely deranged Ah, but time seemed to halt When I was Miss Baltimore Crabs Childhood dreams for me were cracked When that damn Shirley Temple, stole my freakin' act But the crown's in the vault From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs Those poor runner-ups might still hold some grudges They padded their cups but I screwed the judges Those broads thought they'd win if a plate they would spin In their dance, not a chance 'Cause I hit the stage, batons ablaze While belting high C's and preparing souffles With that triple somersault Was how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs Proceed, are you scared we're on live? No, I'm sure I can cope Well, this show isn't broadcast In Cinemascope I never drank one chocolate malt No, no desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs How many sweaters do you own? Well, I'm sure, I've got plenty Let me see, I have three, five No, wait, I have twenty I would say Oy gevalt' If I wasn't Miss Baltimore Crabs A tycoon I wed so cuddly and funny The old fart dropped dead but left tons of money So I bought this station so all of the nation could see Baby amber and me Do you dance like you dress? Amber, there's no need to be cruel Would you swim in an integrated pool? I sure would, I'm all for integration it's the new frontier Not in Baltimore it isn't and may I be frank? First impressions can be tough And when I saw you, I knew it If your size weren't enough Your last answer just blew it And so, my dear, so short and stout You'll never be in so we're kicking you out You can't get past me kid but it isn't your fault It's hard to get rid of Miss Baltimore Crabs You may go, thank you? Gee Tracy, that went well Hello, may I please audition? No, but you can bow and exalt Your just down with a case of, Miss Baltimore Crabs