The Laughing Gnome

I was walking down the high street

When I heard footsteps behind me

And there was a little old man (Hello!)

In scarlet and grey, chuckling away

Well, he trotted back to my house

And he sat beside the telly (Cor!)

With his tiny hands on his tummy

Chuckling away, laughing all day

I ought to report you to the Gnome Office

"Gnome Office"! Ahahahah!

Ha-ha-ha hee-hee-hee

I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me

Ha-ha-ha hee-hee-hee

I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me

Said the laughing gnome

Well, I gave him roasted toadstools

And a glass of dandelion wine (Urrghh! Pardon)

Then I put him on a train to Eastbourne

Carried his bag and gave him a fag

Have you got a light, boy?

Here, where do you come from?

Gnome-man's land, hee hee hee!

Oh, really?

In the morning, when I woke up

He was sitting on the edge of my bed

With his brother, whose name was Fred

He'd brought him along to sing me a song

Alright, let's hear it... 'ere, what's that clicking noise?

That's Fred, he's a metro-gnome, haha!

Ha-ha-ha hee-hee-hee

I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me

Ha-ha-ha hee-hee-hee

I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me

Own up! I'm a gnome, ain't I? Haha!

Haven't you got an home to go to?

No, we are gnome-ads, hee hee!

Didn't they teach you to get your hair cut at school?

You look like a Rolling Gnome

Nah, not at the London School of Eco-gnome-ics

Now they're staying up me chimney

And we're living on caviar and honey (Hurray!)

'Cause they're earning me lots of money

Writing comedy prose for radio shows

It's the, errrr... it's the Gnome Service, of course!

Ha-ha-ha hee-hee-hee

I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me

Ha-ha-ha hee-hee-hee (Oh, dear me!)

I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me

(One more time!)

Ha-ha-ha hee-hee-hee

I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me