Pirelli's Miracle Elixir

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, per-lease?

Do you wake ev'ry morning in shame and despair to discover your pillow is covered with hair

Wot ought not to be there?

Well, ladies and gentlemen, from now on, you can waken with ease

You need never again have a worry or care, I will show you a miracle marvelous rare

Gentlemen, you are about to see something that rose from the dead

On the top of my head

Scarcely a month ago, gentlemen

I was struck with a horrible dermatologic disease

Though the finest physicians in London were called, I awakened one morning, amazed and appalled

To discover with dread that my head was as bald as a novice's knees

I was dying of shame

Till a gentleman came

An illustrious barber, Pirelli by name

He gave me a liquid as precious as gold

I rubbed it in daily like wot I was told

And behold

Only thirty days old

'Twas Pirelli's Miracle Elixir

That's what did the trick, sir, true, sir, true

Was it quick, sir? Did it in a tick, sir, just like an elixir ought to do

How about a bottle, mister? Only costs a penny, guaranteed

Penny buys a bottle, I don't know

Go ahead and tug, sir

Penny for a bottle, is it?

Go ahead, sir, harder

Ah, let's go

Does Pirelli's stimulate the growth, sir?

You can have my oath, sir, 'tis unique

Rub a minute, stimulatin', i'n'it?

Soon you'll have to thin it once a week

Penny buys a bottle, guaranteed

Penny buys a bottle, might as well

'Ow about a sample? Have you ever smelled a cleaner smell?

Wotcher think? Isn't it a crime they let these urchins clog the pavement?

Gently dab it, gets to be a habit

Soon there'll be enough, sir, somebody can grab it

See that chap with hair like Shelley's?

You can tell he's used Pirelli's

Let me have a bottle

Make that two

Pardon me, ma'am, what's that awful stench?

Are we standing near an open trench?

Must be standing near an open trench

Buy Pirelli's Miracle Elixir

Anything wot's slick, sir, soon sprouts curls

Try Pirelli's, when they see how thick, sir

You can have your pick, sir, of the girls

Want to buy a bottle, missus? Propagates the hair, sir

What is this? Smells like piss

What is this? Smells like— phew!

He says it smells like piss

Says it smells like piss or something

Wouldn't touch it if I was you, dear

This is piss, piss with ink

Let me smell that bottle, I don't want no ink piss, what is this?

What does that smell like to you, sir?

Never mind that madman, mister

Give us back our money

What does that smell like to you ma'am?

Where is this Pirelli?

Yeah, where is this Pirelli?

Let Pirelli's activate your roots, sir

Keep it off your boots, sir, eats right through

Go and get Pirelli

Yes, get Pirelli's, use a bottle of it, ladies seem to love it

Flies do too

Hand the bloody money over

Hand the bloody money over

See Pirelli's Miracle Elixir

Grow a little wick, sir, then some fuzz

The Pirelli's soon'll make it thick, sir

Like a good elixir always does

Trust Pirelli's, if your hair is sick, sir, fix it in the nick, sir, don't look grim

Just Pirelli's Miracle Elixir, that'll do the trick, sir

What about the money?

If you've got a kick, sir

What about the money?

Where is this Pirelli? Go and get Pirelli, what about our money?

Go and get Pirelli, where is this Pirelli?

Talk to him