One Day

I was brought up in tafetta dresses And taught to be pretty and precious Spending my playtimes with Plastic princesses Who all had those bodies! Just utterly ludicrous Minuscule waists and huge boobs And it's all nipple-less and no pubes And no creases, I mean, Jesus It's pretty confusing Especially at six In that fairytale world all the girls end up Happy ever after Wooing their knights in shining armor But some nights down the track You can bet they'll be trapped Spending nights in, shining armor While their knights spend their nights at a bar Or at a ball with some harlot I'm not bitter It's just better that I don't fall for all that Romantic bullshit now that I'm older Although I don't mind the thought of being Tossed over a shoulder And trotted off to a mansion By some ruggedly handsome Man in a fireman helmet And have him just use me for sex As I say It's a little complex One day, some day, my prince may come But it doesn't seem likely But even if he came and he liked me It's likely He'd be Not quite My type Some day, they say He'll come ridin' up on the back of a horse But, of course, I'm allergic to horses How will I tell him? He'll just have to sell him I went to school with a girl I remember her well She was pretty smart And pretty as hell Her folks had a farm But she wouldn't stay, of course She wanted prince charming So she went to L.A., of course Managed to seduce a Famous actor or producer Shacked up in a house in the hills With a cat and a juicer And a fancy car And a tennis court But the guy wasn't quite The catch she'd thought she caught He treats her like trash Then you know the drill Takes his cat and his cash And finds some younger girl So she's left with this stupid corvette And an empty swimming pool Which she fills with regret Smart girl, but kinda of dumb And I'd rather be lonely Than sit on my fanny Waiting for my prince to come One day, some day He'll come sweeping in and sweep me off my feet And spend the next four decades Wanting to cheat on me Getting less handsome And fighting his dragons He'd know what to wear He'd have a full head of hair And his eyes would be brown Or blue Or green Well, I don't care And his body would be toned with those Pecs like you get at the gym But he won't spend all of his time at the gym And he'll love reading books He'll be an excellent cook He'll be good looking But not too aware of his looks He'll be tender, but tough And smart, but not smug And attentive, but not fawning And he'll smell good in the morning And he'll dance And like hiking And baking and biking I'm not picky, I just ask That he likes me, and I like him And I'd rather be alone If the only other option Is to come and settle down With some condescending clown With a great rating from some dating service Some self professing Mr. Perfect Another narcissistic legend Made a million out of hedge funds Another sexually ineffectual Self-obsessing metrosexual Pseudointellectual Getting drunk and existential Every time the steelers lose a game Thanks, but perhaps some other day One day, some day, my prince may come But I won't hold my breath There's only divorcees, and weirdos left And weird is fine But not all the time One day, some day, my prince will come So the fairytale said Thirty years later it's still in my head That if I screw a frog I will wake in a four-poster bed There was a day with a girl (There was a day) I remember it well (With a girl) Her name was Jenean Or Jenna Or Joelle (It's Joelle) We drank piña coladas Watched the sun setting over the bay (Watched the sun setting over the Bay) We made love in the sand (We made love in the sand) And when we were through (When we were through) We went back to her room (Back to my room) And watched Ghostbusters II (Ghostbusters II) Smoked half a joint (Smoked half a joint) And ate half a pound of pâté (It was way too much pâté) Why couldn't that be my One day (One day, some day) I'll cut down on fried chicken takeaway (one day) My doctor said one day my heart will stop tickin' Unless I cut down on that chicken I will do it One day, I'll stop drinking so much I'll stop dating guys who are 20 years older I'll get a new safety clip for my holster It opens too quick I'll do it next week One day, I'll get a new coffee maker Some day, I will buy her a ring One day, death will come to everyone (everyone) One day, I'll learn how to sing One day (These endless first dates) Some day (that starts with her hating me) My prince may come But it just doesn't seem likely That I'm gonna get her to like me Phil, you bought me candy! I bought you candies Can I get in your panties now? One day (It's not enough) Someday (I've had enough) I will wake in the arms (I'm not enough) Of an actual man (I'm not your fictional man) Who will love me for all that I am (I'm just me, I can't be any more that I am) With all that he is (This is all that ther is) Ok, Phil, we're on in 5, 4, 3, 2 (One day! One day!) Ok, Phil, we're on in 5, 4, 3, 2 (One day! One day!) Ok, Phil, we're on in 5, 4, 3, 2 (One day! One day!) Two What'd ya know, it's Groundhog Day Tomorrow, spring will come and then There will be blue skies, my friend Bright eyes and laughter Tomorrow, there will be sun (You can curse, cast spells) But if not tomorrow (Or cry) Perhaps the day (Offer your prayers to the) Unfeeling sky The spring will arrive When the winter is done And if it's not tomorrow Then tomorrow Then tomorrow Then tomorrow Then tomorrow Then tomorrow Then tomorrow Then tomorrow Then tomorrow Then tomorrow Then tomorrow Then tomorrow Then tomorrow Then tomorrow Then tomorrow Then tomorrow