But I'm Yours

Lois: ...Well I think you are the sweetest man in the whole world. Peter: Well this guy ain't going anywhere Lois. Hey let me tell you something. I know I haven't always been the perfect spouse. Lois: You do OK. Peter: I drink too much and leave the cans around the house. Lois: Well you do do that. Peter: And once I cleaned up Stewie's doody with your blouse. Lois: What?! Peter: I may be thoughtless. Lois: No you're not. Peter: I may be sloppy Lois: Well, a little Peter: I may be stupid. Lois: Well, a lot. Peter: But I'm yours Lois: You're figure isn't always what it ought to be. Peter: Eh, I gotta lose five pounds. Lois: But rollie-pollie belly's never bothered me. Peter: Thank you. Lois: Or that you scream for hours when you hurt your knee. Peter: (Breathes in) Ahh(breathes out). {Just like he did when he fell after finding the pawtucket scroll}. Peter: I may be chubby. Lois; Well, 296. Peter: I may be lazy. Lois: sorry, 298. Peter: I may be clumsy Lois: Only often Peter; But I'm yours Lois: What if one day a rapist attacked me? Peter: I would use him to mop up the street. Lois: You would? Peter: You bet. I got a left hook. Lois: What if he was big? Peter: I got a right hook Lois: What if he was a woman? Peter: I got a camera, freaking sweet. Peter/Lois: I/You may be brainless. Peter/Lois: I/You may be witless. Peter: I may be Irish. Peter: But I'm yours. Lois: And would you wash the dishes if I asked you to? That kind of thing is every woman's dream come true. Peter: I'll do 'em when this very special Coach is through. Lois: Will you empty the trash? Peter: I got a backache. Lois: Will you fix the toilet? Peter: I got a headache. Lois: Will you vacuum the den? Peter: I got a penis Lois: You're a sexist. Peter: But I'm yours. Lois: They say a man should treat his lady like a prize. A goddess Greek to worship with adoring eyes. Peter: But I won't do that Greeky thing of humpin' guys. Peter: I may be phobic I may be stinky I may be farting {farts} But I'm yours. Lois: Would you brave any hurdle to save me? Peter: I would slay any foes by the scores. Lois: Lions? Peter: I got a shotgun. Lois: Tigers? Peter: I got a blowtorch. Lois: The Christian right? Peter: I got a porno. Lois: That'll do it. Peter: Cause I'm yours. Peter/Lois: I/You may be dopey. Peter/Lois: I/You may be messy. Peter/Lois: I may be Peter. Peter/Lois: And I'm yours. {Applause} Brian: Hey, you smell something? Stewie: Oh, dear. Brian: What? Stewie: Oh, dear. Brian: What's the matter? Stewie: Oh you're not going to like this. Brian: What? Stewie: I just made a doody. Brian: Oh, God. Stewie: I'm sorry, it just slipped out unannounced. Brian: What do you mean "unannounced"? Stewie: Well, normally the doody schedules an exit interview before it departs, but this one seems to have no regard for protocol. Brian: Do you need a change? Stewie: No no, it's alright. Op, there's another one. Brian: Christ, let's hurry up and get to the next number. Here's a favorite of mine by the great Antonio Carlos Jobim.