The Call Is Coming From Inside The House (feat. Laura Danowski, Nick Beaton, Chris Robinson & Cal Post)

(phone ringing)

(gasping)

Hello?

Brandon, sloppy little sass and titties, kissy-kissy-chewy

Stop calling my home!

Eating baby, sucking baby blood

Stop it, who are you? Oh God!

Doreen, it's the operator

Listen to me very carefully

We've traced the call

The call is coming from inside the house

What do I do?

Slowly move to the front door

The police are on their way

And Doreen

Yes?

I have to warn you

The police are coming from outside the house

Okay

I've dropped the ball before

But I'm not about to see another innocent victim taken on my watch

(scream)

Search the place, boys

Doreen, I'm Detective Nesbitt

You're safe now

Detective, it was awful

Are you alright?

Yeah, just, uh, just a little shaken and I took a big fear shit all over the couch, but

Good, good

Looks like our men caught the pervert

The betta cocked libtards want our guns

Who is he?

Just your run-of-the-mill conservative gettin' his jollies in the attic

We've apprehended a few in the area

Usually people just put a tiny rainbow flag in their window and it keeps them at bay

Terrifies 'em actually

We'll be on our way now

Thank you, Detective Nesbitt

Doreen!

Honey!

I'm so sorry I wasn't here, Doreen

A husband's supposed to protect his wife

I'm okay

The pervert dropped some Mondo Gorilla Fingers on the couch though

So if you don't mind just cleaning that up

Doreen! Are you still there?

Oh, hello? Yes, thank you for your help

Uh, what was your name?

It's Zach, but you can call me Zachy

Oh, okay, thanks, Zachy

You're welcome, and remember

Courage like you showed today comes

From inside the heart

How do you want your eggs, Doreen?

Scrambled, please

Oh boy, I'm still disturbed by that pervert in the attic last night

A hearty breakfast should help

Here you go, darling

Hello?

Doreen, it's Zachy

Oh, hi, Zachy

Is something wrong?

I hope you're sitting down

I'm calling to let you know

Those eggs you're eating

They came from inside the chicken

Yeah, everybody knows that

Just making sure

I've let some people down in the past

But not anymore

Okay, thanks

And if you put milk in your coffee

The milk came from inside the cow

Okay, bye, Zachy

I'm sorry, hon, I-I lost my appetite

Gonna lie down and watch some TV for a bit

Don't worry about it

So I get this role in a movie where I'm playing a cop

And the crazy thing is

I'm not even really a cop

I'm just like, pretending

What are you watching?

This old Skeet Altridge interview

Another time, I'm playing an orchestra conductor

And I ask the director

"Why do they always use that tiny stick to direct the music player guys?

Like, why not use something like a banana?"

And that's when I was committed to an insane asylum

Hello?

Doreen

Zachy, I-I'm trying to watch this Skeet Altridge interview on TV

That's why I'm calling

That Skeet Altridge interview you're watching

It's coming from inside the actors' studio

Oh, Zachy

You gotta stop calling me here

It's just I feel like I have to tell you where things are coming from

Especially if it's from inside of stuff

Poor sweet Zachy

What the heck happened to you?

Many years ago

I had a suicidal caller with a gun to his head

I didn't tell him the bullets would be coming from inside the gun

After he pulled the trigger

I vowed to protect people from things inside of stuff

Hey, that wasn't your fault

It wasn't?

No

Are you responsible for telling us that every pearl is coming from inside the oyster?

Or that every baby bird tweet is coming from inside the nest?

Or that every meth-addled bike courier who buttfucks his sister through a cigarette burn hole in her jogging pants

Comes from inside the state of Florida?

That's just the way of the world

Sometimes things are inside of stuff

And if you're there to warn us

Then golly, lucky us

But some things need to come from inside of stuffs

Wow, that takes the weight off my shoulders a bit

I'm glad to hear that

Did you know coffee beans come from inside a fruit?

Huh, I didn't actually

Yeah, like a little berry

I think this is goodbye, Zachy

Goodbye, Doreen

And hey, the thank you is coming from inside my mouth

You're welcome

Who was that, honey?

A friend

Come here, you big hunk

(Kissing noises)

Doreen!

Who's knocking at the window?

Ah, Christ

Zachy, go away!

Doreen! Your husband's dong is coming from inside your coochie!

Honey, did you already?

Sorry