Wrangling Cattle

Oh, my God, I'm out of breath

Yeah, what was I talking about

Oh, yeah, the point I'm making is that

I was talking about killing cows, wasn't I

Yeah, I like to wrangle cattle, I'm a

I grew up on a range, and you guys probably don't understand that

You guys are just city slickers

But I used to wrangle cattle, and that's a very sexy exercise

You wrangle cattle, you go out to your girl, then

I'll be right back, I'm going to catch you a cow

That's very sexy to a woman

And that's just old school because you've got to stampede them

You stampede them, okay?

And then, all these doggies are stampeding

Every time, there's always some dog that decides he's an individual

And he'll stray from the herd, he just strays

And I love that because I'm like, what are you, an individual

Huh, you're a herd animal, you idiot

He-he-he, yeah, yeah that's like, get back here, cowsy-powsy

All right?

Pulling my horse back, you pull a cow off its feet

It's a beautiful sound, man, because usually cows are like, "Moo"

I like grass, moo, you know

And moo doesn't mean anything

It just means moo because they're idiots, okay

You pull a cow off its feet at a dead run

You know what you hear? "Moo"

Yeah, which means, holy fucking cow

Yeah

Then you jump off your horse like that

And you tie his hooves up into what I call a hoof bouquet

Yeah, my little thing

Got a bouquet of the hooves

Got to buy you a bouquet of roses

I'll make you a hoof bouquet

Here comes the ugly part

My girl's hungry, and I gots to kill the cow

A lot of guys will take a cow to a slaughterhouse

Mustache, you know how I kill my cows

I punch them in the face till they fucking die, okay

Sparta, he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he, he-he

It's great exercise because it takes fucking forever

It does, it takes forever to punch a cow to death

Because they've got that spongy nose like a shock absorber

Like, come on, my girl's hungry

Apologize to any vegetarians out there, yeah

I love animals, I hate cows

I had a bad experience with a cow when I was a boy

I was, on my Pa's farm, I was about seven or eight years old

I was milking away, trying to get some whole milk from the Rice Krispies

I think, a lot of it is a blur

Maybe I tugged an udder wrong, I don't know, I don't speak cow, okay

I'm not up on cow politics

All I know is, I'm tugging away, okay, all happy as a clam

And the hoofed freak whipped around and bit me in my face

Yeah

Goatee, you ever sustain a cow bite to your face, huh

You grow up real fast

You've got a 1,700-pound milk machine latched on your face

With them flat, grass-stained teeth

Thing just shook me, just mm-mm-mm

I was like, "Mommy"

But mommy wasn't around

So I had to go like that to its eye

That's what you do when an angry bovine grabs your face

You come out like the point and gank right in the eye

'Cause they wear their eyes on the side of their stupid cow faces

Thing let go right quick, too, thing was like, "Ree-en"

Yeah, which means, "My eye" in cow

And buy an eye patch, he-he-he

Don't bite me in my adorable face anymore

That's me picking up my pail of milk

I finish every story with detail

That's how I worked, 'cause I was cute

The point I'm making is we just pay a lot

We just pay a price for technology

That's what I'm trying to say in a roundabout way

Just don't do

I just have a roundabout way of going about it, that's all

I like to give a lot of examples