J. R. R. Tolkien vs George R. R. Martin

Epic Rap Battles of History

George R.R. Martin

Versus

J.R.R. Tolkien

Begin

Brace yourselves

Gather up your trolls and your soldier elves

And your Ents and your Orcs

And your Wargs and your Stings

Your dwarves and Glamdrings

'Cause there's a new literary lord in the ring

My readers fall in love with every character I've written

And then I kill 'em

And they're like, no, he didn't

All your bad guys die and your good guys survive

We can tell what's gonna happen by page and age five

Tell your all-seeing eye to find some sex in your movies

Ditch the Goonie and cast a couple boobies

There's edgier plots in that David the Gnome

Your hobbit-hole heroes can't handle my throne

Kings, queens, dragons, dwarves

Horses, fortresses, magic and swords

You hob-bit my whole shit, you uninspired hack

You want a war, George?

Welcome to Shire-raq

In book sales, you got nothing to say

I'm number one and two

You're under Fifty Shades of Grey

I got the prose of a pro, your shit's subpar

You're a pirate, you even stole my R.R.

Oh, we all know the world is full of chance and anarchy

So, yes, it's true to life for characters to die randomly

But newsflash, the genre's called fantasy

It's meant to be unrealistic, you myopic manatee

I conscientiously object to what you're doing on these beats

I'll cut you like my teeth on Beauty and the Beast

You went too deep, Professor Tweedpants

We don't need the backstory

On every fucking tree branch

I cut my teeth in the trenches of the Somme

You lugged your Santa Claus ass through Vietnam

Man, it's hard for me to take criticism on clothes

From a dude who sends a raven to say hi to his toes

Man, your fat jokes are worse than your pipe smoke

My show's the hottest thing on HBO

I'm rock and roll, you're a nerdy little nebbish

And I may be dirty, but you got a hairy foot fetish, dawg

Even the names of your characters suck

You got Boffurs and Bofers and Brandybucks

I got a second breakfast for all them goofy fucks

Lift up my gut and tea Baggins my nuts

C.S. Lewis and I were just discussing

How you and Jon Snow both know nothing

Because the backstory of my box office is billions

Got my children making millions off my Silmarillions

And I'm more rock and roll than you've ever been

Don't believe me?

Ask Led Zeppelin

You can't reach this fellow

Shit, I'm Two Tower-ing

And every time I battle, it's Return of the King

Who won?

Who's next?

You decide

Epic Rap Battles of History