Japan & North Korea

I got to do some international shows this year

I performed it in Japan for the first time

Which was amazing

I mean, I wasn't in Japan just for stand up

I was also modeling

Wish that wasn't that funny, but, but Japan

The Japanese are just, they're, they're better at being human

Can we admit that?

They're, you know, they're more polite, they're better at design

The Japanese toilet, are you familiar with the Japanese toilet?

The Japanese took the most disgusting experience of human existence

And fixed it

The Japanese toilet washes you, dries you, does your taxes

And that is in a Tokyo airport bathroom

You leave a Japanese public restroom cleaner than when you walked in

You leave a American public restroom with PTSD

Your only thought is, "How can I forget that experience?"

"Is there alcohol nearby?"

The entire time I was in Japan, I felt overweight

Probably 'cause I am overweight

But generally the Japanese are thin

I mean, there are people that are overweight in Japan

But not like in America

We're better at not being thin

'Cause if you get really fat in Japan, they make you sumo wrestle

They make their fat people fight each other

To entertain the thin people

And the fat people in Japan go along with that

Well, why am I doing this?

It's prestigious

Now you try and push that other fat ass out of the circle

While we try not to giggle

But first, put on this giant diaper and put your hair in a bun

It's very dignified

The Japanese are quiet and polite

They're like the opposite of my children

I had with my kids with me and they were always making loud noises

Occasionally, I would catch a Japanese person

Looking at my poorly behaved kids

And then they would look at me

And I'd always say the same thing

"We're Canadian"

Of course we're not Canadian, but

That is what some Americans do when they travel internationally

They tell people they're Canadian

Which I think is cowardly

That's why I always tell people I'm North Korean

Then I get the respect I deserve

How much attention

Does the country of North Korea need at this point?

Every two days, North Korea's like

"We're gonna blow up the world"

Isn't there a party that's like, "Then just do it"

Get it over with, you spazz

Jim, don't even joke around about that

What if someone from North Korea was in the audience?

They have a missile program

It's kinda fun tracking the North Korean missile program right?

They're like, "North Korea has missiles that can reach Alaska"

Oh, my gosh, Alaska?

Well, I don't know anyone that lives in Alaska

North Korea has missiles that can reach the West Coast

Oh, my gosh, the West Coast?

Well, I don't go there that often

North Korea has missiles that can reach the East Coast

Well, we gotta do something about this

Now we're talking about real people