Western

We all see these westerns on television, and I thought I'd give you a

Little capsule report, without bugging you too much, on all westerns

They have John Payne, and they have

Paladin, and uh, so many on down the line

I've seen so many I don't know who they are anymore

They're all good looking, I know that

And they all get the girls, and they don't

Have any round sidekicks anymore, you know

"Come on, Gene, how 'bout some more double men?"

Uh, and then Gene reads it off

"Yes, boys and girls, try it! It is wonderful for you!"

You know, but um, at any rate, the little scene is the west

They've come to a little place for the evening where

There's river, you know, a river and a little water

And a guy tests the water, and a buffalo

A little far up ahead there, and um

So they have the little Conestoga wagons all around there in a circle

And they have things marked on them that

The adults put on, like "Injun go home"

You know, "Sitting Bull, stand up," and "Cochise on rye."

They're bugging the Indians just a little bit

Then the minister opens and he says, "Lord willing, friends"

He's in love with his voice, it's obvious

He's going for an Oscar the whole route

Only he's got just sixteen lines

And he says, "Now, friends, we've got to hang together now

We've come about 1800 miles and we haven't spoke to one another

I don't think that's normal

Now we'd better start talking to one

Another, or we're going to be in trouble

You there, Brigham Young, come back with them eight women

You're getting greedy about that, Brigham

You're getting to be a fanatic

Now this ain't the place, I'll tell you when we get there

You'll see there are a lot of locusts

And seagulls and everything, I know it

I was over there the other day."

Then there's always a, a little old lady that's about 97 years old

And she's cleaning out some tired beans in a skillet

And she says, "I don't know what it is, Roy, why we come out here

It's a dad-blamed cold and everything

The beelers eat up here by bears seven day a week

It was just terrible

Don't stand there with your thumb in your ear, Roy, say something!"

"Well, I don't know, honey, I, I, uh"

"You're sick, Roy, you're sick"

Then there's always a little kid, about that high

Kicking prairie dogs in the back, you know

Running around the fireplace

"Nee-noo, na-noo, na-noo, a-why-dee, a-why-nee-nee-na, wa-why-nee-na"

"That child, sixteen and still talking like that, that's pathetic

Don't touch that groundhog, baby Elizabeth

You don't know where it's been!"

And they scurry down a hole and there's

A mad scene underground, you know

Later on, they accept the groundhog, and dress him and everything

It's pretty sick, that, but

Suddenly on the far ridge are some 3000 Sioux

They're all juiced up and ready to go

Oh yeah, they're under pressure, you know

Bugged because they haven't got a couple carbines

And um, they've got these berets and been putting makeup on all day

And there's one cat there, you know

Shoots an arrow, and of course it's got

A rubber suction cup on the end of it

But he's, you know, a troublemaker

And they let him hang with the squaws

So the old lady's standing there, and

She's got these binoculars made in Japan

And she looks up and she says, "Oh no, it's the savages again!"

"Lord willing, friends, we keep on—"

"Nice looking boy, wasn't he?"

"Them things is all over me, where'd they come from?

Don't pull that one out, I want to see it, who they are"

Then suddenly through the far pass comes the Seventh Cavalry

Seven members of the U.S. Cavalry

Just happened to be riding along about 3,000 miles from the fort

The major rides up onto a cliff

He's got a white horse, you know, an officer

The rest of them got dirty horses, enlisted people

And he looks down and sees all these cats being burnt up

And he has a great line, too much

He says, "Looks like there's trouble down there

Over that hill!"

And they ride down, and suddenly 3,000 Indians come unglued

They're riding sidesaddle anyway, you know

And they see these seven cats in blue, and just, "My son, wah-hoo!"

And they ride off into some pass and

Hide behind a sand dune or something

Then the pioneers jump up and down, drop

Their cans of spaghetti and everything

"Oh, we're saved, oh, God!"

But they ain't about to be saved yet

Because in this picture the Indian wins, which is a twist

And there are a few more shots, and a guy falls

In the fireplace in sort of a living Ronson ad

And he's, "Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!"

The adults don't dig it, but the kids are, "Look at that!"

You know, they're little Indians

Because they didn't have fireworks

You know, and it's a real thing for them

So there are a few more arrows, you know

And a guy falls on a pillow so he doesn't hurt

He has a lead, and there's a screen of smoke and a pause, and you hear

"Ta-da-da, ta-da-da-da

Not bad, first time play, white man horn"

Thank you