weed and wine (feat. Margo Seibert)

It was given to me by a truck of a man in Finland

A gigantic Ziplock bag

Packed with the stickiest, skunkiest weed you can imagine

I met him in a sauna

Drinking 176 proof Balkan vodka

"Susan, you drink vodka

You be strong like me!"

He liked me

Nothing happened

But it was fun to flirt

I think he was the last human I touched

So there was the weed

And then there was the wine

Ooo Miss Susan!

I know you'll like this!

Special bottles!

Special pook!

Eight magnificent giant glass jugs of red currant wine

Hiding in grandmama's basement

It became my nightly ritual

Me and my weed and my red currant wine

Swinging on the porch swing

And feeling so fine

Staring at the shimmering stars

All alone

And the day to night to day to night to day

My mind was so scattered

I couldn't focus on novels

My own or anyone else's

But the fractured rhythm of poetry was a balm

I could stare at a single page of dancing words for hours

Feeling the tips of grandmama's fingertips on the ink

Feeling her breath in the flapping turn of a page

Feeling her whisper to me

Through cryptic underlining

"This strange century"

"Search for the souls of stones"

"Demons are death in life"

I stumble into the kitchen

Make myself a little snack

The only grocery store around was weirdly gourmet

I went once a week

Armoring myself in sunglasses, headphones, and bandit's bandana

Watching the other human shapes with suspicion and detachment

As I gathered unusual Slavic delicacies

To be consumed in an drunken daze

Dill

Herring

Borscht

Dancing on my tongue

I didn't really eat meals

Just many little snacklets through the day

Well look at that folks,

She's eating almond butter and fig jam

Right out of the fucking jar!

Friends kept checking in

But I started projecting an aura of reclusiveness

Reach out, pull back

Reach out, pull back

Not responding to texts

Answering work emails in slightly too poetic ways

Arriving to zooms late

Blacking out my video five minutes in

Leaving early

Or just not showing up at all!

Declining social and professional opportunities

With a vague whisper of retreat and interiority

I'm in a quiet place right now

Julian and I had one text exchange

Right when it happened

Julian, that's my ex

"Just checking in, are you okay?"

He had moved to another state

To some dull beige place

For "work"

That was when the troubles began

He wanted to go; I wanted to stay put

"I can't leave Julian, my life is here, I have work to do!"

She says, before scramming to Finland as soon as he left

"Yeah I'm okay, I'm okay"

Crazy spiral eyes face emoji

Me and my weed and my red currant wine

Swinging on the porch swing

And feeling so fine

Staring at the shimmering stars

All alone

And the Thursday to the Monday to the Tuesday to the Sunday

Watching the death toll rise…

In my darkest moments,

I wanted the numbers to get higher

The first big adult book I ever read was The Stand

99.4% of the population

Wiped clean

Burn it all down

Start anew

Refresh.

I fantasized about emerging from my house in the forest

Into an apocalyptic landscape

Fantasized about going crazy at the end of the world

Julian always said I had a darkness inside