The Rescue Human

I'm 40 years old. Never married, no kids. Oh wow. Thank you. Not my parents. That's awesome. They do not reply like that when I remind them. I'm the last one of my friends at single, so all my friends wives fucking hate me. They're pretty open about it too. They'll say it to my face. I was over at a couple's house for dinner recently cause that's something I do now. I go to married couples houses for dinner. I'm like a rescue human, you know. We should feed him and we're at dinner and after dinner I was supposed to go out with the husband and the wife jumped in. She goes, I don't know if you guys should go out tonight. Every time you go out with Joe you come home drunk. And then she looked at me and she was like, Joe, I think you might be a bad influence. Now I am not a bad influence. I am a good friend though. So I didn't sell out my boy cause in this duo, you know who's a bad influence? My married friend cause his wife only let's him out of the house once a quarter.

This dude's frothing at the mouth when he calls me. What I wanted to say to her is, how dare you, you know what I'm doing when I'm not hanging out with your husband. I'm at home drinking kombucha, I'm listening to true crime podcasts. I'm stretching, so I don't pull something at dart night. I'm fucking 40 years old. Okay? I'm literally resting until this guy calls because when one of my married friends calls me, I know I'm in for some sort of single guy, Make-A-Wish evening. I got to go out on the town, I got to show him a good time. I got to do whatever he wants cause tomorrow he goes back to chemo.

So I didn't take him out that night. Right. I was like, you're on your own buddy. Next day he calls me, he goes, she went out of town on a work trip. Let's get a bunch of cocaine and go bowling. And I was like, what was it? He goes, you heard me. After that we're going to hit a strip club and I gotta try that Molly shit, everybody's been talking about, I was like, damn, Dave sounds like a fun day and I hate to cut you off, but you do know it's 9:00 AM on a Tuesday morning, right? He goes, I know exactly what time it is. I just dropped my kids off at school. I have exactly six hours and 15 minutes to get lit now are you in or are you out? I was like, I'm in, I'm the man job. I was like, I'll pick you up in 20 minutes in an Uber. He goes, make it 10 also take a yellow cab and pay cash. We don't need a digital footprint for what's going to go down today. I was like, what is going to go down today? He goes, in fact, leave your phone at home. I'll have a burner for you when you get here.

A Burner. Is this an episode of The Wire, like your wife's kind of a bitch? I don't think she opened a Rico case on you.