Hoist up the Thing

Fresh out of college with grades straight from Hell I browsed for a trade at which I could excel An ad for a ship in need of some manning Men, sails, and purpose, but lacking a captain What luck, says I, to find such good fortune A few white lies later, I ran down the pier Bought me a coat and a cutlass or two Jumped on the deck, and I yelled at the crew Hoist up the thing! Batten down the whatsit! What's that thing spinning? Somebody should stop it! Turn hard to port! (That's not port?) Now I've got it! Trust me, I'm in control! I can't sing the shanties, it has to be said And all of that grog just goes right to my head Whale meat is gross, and I miss a girl's laugh Five weeks at sea, even Dave seems a catch! Hoist up the thing! Batten down the whatsit! What's that thing spinning? Somebody should stop it! Turn hard to port! (That's not port?) Now I've got it! Trust me, I'm in control! We've hit icy waters, no land to be seen The food's getting low, and the beer has gone green There's murmurs of discontent under the deck If I don't act fast, it could be my neck! So pull up the charts and those weird gold machines I see what it says,but no clue what it means! Just pull on some levers and yank on some chains Feign a bad back til' we've landed again Hoist up the thing! Batten down the whatsit! What's that thing spinning? Somebody should stop it! Turn hard to port! (That's not port) Now I've got it! Trust me, I'm in control! Hoist up the thing! Batten down the whatsit! What's that thing spinning? Somebody should stop it! Turn hard to port! (That's not port?) Now I've got it! Trust me, I'm in control! Come on Hoist up the thing! Batten down the whatsit! What's that thing spinning? Somebody should stop it! Turn hard to port! (That's not port?) Now I've got it! Trust me, I'm in control! Hoist up the thing! Batten down the whatsit! What's that thing spinning? Somebody should stop it! Turn hard to port! (This is jail?) Now I've got it! Trust me, I'm in control! (ahh, help me!) Trust me, I'm in control!