Five Years

Hey baby, uh, it's me, uhm Our anniversary is coming up It's a pretty big one And, uhm, I wrote a song for you So, I'm just leaving you this voicemail because, uhm I want this song to begin with this voicemail Like, I want the voicemail to play in the beginning of it So, uh, if you could just download this voicemail when you get it and then text it to me Uhm, you might need to, like, download another app to Download the, I don't know if you can rip your voicemail right off your phone You might need to, like Just Google it Don't call me and ask me 'Cause I know, I know what you're gonna do, you're gonna You're gonna get this and you're gonna Just think you just can't do it and you're gonna call me But then I'm just gonna Google it So just you Google it, you're an adult, you can figure it out Uhm, so just figure it out and text me the voicemail, uhm Immediately, if you wouldn't mind Like, right when you get this Thank you, uhm, I love you, bye You're my best friend I love you (love you, love you) You know me and I know you (know you, know you) We got problems that we've been through (been through, been through) We got shit that we'll get through, uh You think I'm rude to you You think I am the worst Because I ask when you suck my dick You take out your Invisalign first Come on Five years, five years Still you, still me, still here Five years, five years, baby Five years, five years We order Chinese I'm eating my dumplings You reach over and you take my dumpling You don't even say, "Do you mind?" or nothing Why would you assume that you're entitled to a dumpling? So I look at you You look back at me like, "What the fuck did I do?" If you really wanted some dim sum Then, you really shoulda gotten some when we put in the order" You say, "You're a psycho And I, I don't wanna fight, so let's just drop this It's not a big deal" Okay, but for the record you owe me a dumpling I mean it, I won't forget You owe me a dumpling or a dumpling equivalent Five years, five years Still you, still me, still here Five years, five years, baby Five years, five years We found a spider in the house You freaked and you jumped up onto the couch Since I was close and able I jumped up on the coffee table You said, "You should kill that" I said, "Um, no, fuck that" You said, "Come on, be a man" What? You're a total anti-sexist, a patriarchy fighter But your whole worldview collapses the moment there's a spider Cool, I get it, this is the real you It's a pleasure, nice to meet you Shit like this brings the movement down Everyone's a feminist until there is a spider around Five years, five years Still you, still me, still here Five years, five years, baby Five years, five years How come every time I need to take a poo in the bathroom You, out of the blue, need to use the bathroom? Just use the guest room bathroom That's why we got two bathrooms Just use the guest room bathroom That's why we got two bathrooms And you know