I walk into my intervention two hours late

According to my friends, this is what I said, "Okay" (ha-ha-ha-ha)

I'd just been to my drug dealer's apartment, so I immediately yelled out

"Before we start, can I go to the bathroom?" (ha-ha-ha-ha)

And they said, "No", and I said, "Ah" (ha-ha-ha-ha)

Then this intervention lady that they'd hired runs up to me, and she goes, "Hi" (ha-ha-ha)

And I said, "Wrong energy" (ha-ha-ha-ha)

I walk into this intervention

Now, listen, everyone there at the intervention is really worried about me

They're all concerned about my physical well-being

But I stroll in there, I am cocaine-skinny, with a new haircut (ha-ha-ha-ha)

They've all been in heavy quarantine for nine months

They looked like shit (ha-ha-ha-ha), I was the best-looking person at my intervention (ha-ha-ha-ha), by a mile (woo!)

Everyone there looked like Jerry Garcia

I walk in the room, there's six of my friends sitting there in person in New York

And six of my friends over Zoom, from L.A

You may be thinking, "Hey, if that was me, I would have been like, If you're so worried about me, how come you didn't fly in?" (Ha-ha-ha)

Don't worry, I said that several times (ha-ha-ha-ha)

I said that multiple times throughout the night (ha-ha-ha)

The intervention lady goes, "Here, let me show you your chair"

I had a special chair, 'cause I was belle of the ball (ha-ha-ha-ha)

And I'm about to sit down in my chair, when a friend of mine in the corner goes

"I thought they were gonna tackle him" (ha-ha-ha-ha)

"You thought they were gonna what?"

"You know, like on Intervention" (ha-ha-ha)

"I thought they were gonna tackle you" (ha-ha-ha)

"That's To Catch a Predator" (ha-ha-ha-ha)

"Are you disappointed now that they're not gonna tackle me?"

He went, "Yeah, I'm a little disappointed" (ha-ha-ha-ha)

I sit down in my chair, I face all these rats (ha-ha-ha-ha)

Look, let me just call this out now, I don't mean to be weird

It was a star-studded intervention (ha-ha-ha-ha)

It was like a good group, it was a good group (ha-ha-ha)

As mad as I was when I walked in there, I was like, "This is a good lineup, this is very- (ha-ha-ha-ha)

This is really flattering in its own way"

It was like a, "We Are the World" of alternative comedians over the age of 40 (ha-ha-ha-ha)

All comedians, yet no one said a funny thing the entire night (ha-ha-ha-ha)

Before I got there, they promised each other that they wouldn't do bits (ha-ha-ha-ha)

I was going psychotic (ha-ha-ha-ha)

I am sitting there in an awful chair (ha-ha-ha), crashing from cocaine (ha-ha-ha)

No one will let me go to the bathroom to freshen up (ha-ha-ha-ha)

And the funniest people in the world are staring at me, refusing to do jokes (ha-ha-ha)

It was maddening

Fred Armisen was serious (ha-ha-ha-ha)

Do you know how off-putting that is? (Ha-ha-ha-ha)

He didn't do a character or a voice

He was just like, "Hey, John, I'm really worried about everything that you're going through" (ha-ha-ha)

And I was like, "Ah, next, next" (ha-ha-ha-ha)

By the way, for most of this intervention, I was determined not to go to rehab, a.k.a., "Lose" (ha-ha-ha-ha)

My plan was to destabilize the leader lady (ha-ha-ha-ha), ha-ha-ha

If I could get the others to question her authority- (ha-ha-ha-ha)

I thought the whole thing would fall apart like a house of cards (ha-ha-ha-ha)

I was hoping, eventually, they'd be like, "I don't know, the haircut, the confidence, maybe we should make him the leader and send this lady to rehab" (ha-ha-ha-ha)

At one point I was standing at an open window, chain-smoking, in December in New York City

You know, the way a sober person would (ha-ha-ha-ha)

And I looked at her and I said, "Were you even prepped for me?" (Ha-ha-ha-ha)

And she said, "Yes", but everyone said you were very nice" (ha-ha-ha-ha)

Don't believe the persona (ha-ha-ha)

At one point, I threw this grenade at the gang

I go, "I'll go to rehab when all of you stop drinking and smoking weed" (ho-ho-ho-ho) (ha-ha-ha-ha)

A hush fell over the intervention (ha-ha-ha-ha)

And then Nick Kroll yelled, "Johnny, that's not what this is about" (ha-ha-ha-ha)

It's frustrating when people intervene on you, but they have problems of their own (ha-ha-ha)

It's like when someone sends you a text, but the text comes from their email address (ha-ha-ha-ha)

And you're like, "Okay, I understand the message, but you need to get your shit together (ha-ha-ha)

This- (ha-ha-ha-ha) I hate this, 'Your name @iCloud'

Why are you texting me? Don't ever text me this way, it's foolish

Now we have two threads going

The original thread with your name saved the way I like it, and this new all-lowercase abomination (ha-ha-ha-ha)

So many letters, it doesn't even fit in text preview"

And then they keep texting you to see if it's still coming from their email, like-

"Hey, are my texts still coming from my email address? Huh, weird

Are my texts still coming from my email? Huh, weird"

They FaceTime you from their email address? (Ha-ha-ha-ha)

Are you calling on a child's iPad? (Ha-ha-ha-ha)

I was truly an asshole that night, I recognize that

But listen, I was furious at them

I was so mad that night, they had tricked me

I mean, at its core, an intervention is a prank (ha-ha-ha-ha)

They had pranked me, they were trying to tell me what to do with my life

They were trying to control me, they were sending me away to rehab for months

I felt powerless, I felt very angry

Now, standing here tonight, February 26th, 2023

One of the worst times of the year (ha-ha-ha-ha)

Here with all you wonderful people, and one of our top fifth-graders (ha-ha-ha-ha) (woo!)

Getting to do this show and standing here

Listen, I am grateful to everyone (woo) at my intervention

They intervened, they confronted me, and they totally saved my life (woo!)

Okay, that's enough, that's enough! Don't-, don't stand for them

Listen (ha-ha-ha-ha), they've been thanked (ha-ha-ha-ha)

And like, they're well aware they did a good thing (ha-ha-ha-ha)

They bring it up a lot (ha-ha-ha-ha)

Also, like, I'm still pissed off at them (ha-ha-ha-ha)

I'm grateful, I'm truly grateful

And I wish I just felt that one emotion, but I don't (ha-ha-ha)

I feel two emotions (ha-ha-ha-ha), I'm still kind of mad, 'cause, okay

Do you know what it's like for 12 people to save your life? It's too many people (ha-ha-ha-ha)

They could have done it with four people (ha-ha-ha-ha)

And I know the eight they could have cut b(ha-ha-ha-ha)

Instead, for the rest of my life, there are 12 separate people out there, who, if I'm at dinner with them, I have to be like-

"No, I got that, come on, hey, come on, for real

You saved my life (ha-ha-ha-ha)

Over Zoom (ha-ha-ha-ha)

(Woo!)

(Woo!)