The next day I canceled my Match membership.

I spent the following months focused on my kids, my job and my friends. I wanted to learn to be alone – I went to movies, concerts & even restaurants by myself. And quite frankly, I did not enjoy it at all.

I noticed that when I was alone my self-esteem would plummet. I’d think horribly negative thoughts. I’d see an attractive woman and think “I’m totally frumpy and fat I look hideous!” or I’d see a happy family and conclude: “I’m a terrible mother, I’ve totally failed my children” and I’d see practically anyone and decide “When people see me alone they’ll know I’m incapable of finding a man”.

I started to wonder if the reason I felt so desperate for a companion was simply to distract myself from the cruel voices in my head?

I shared this with Lisa over coffee: “You seriously need therapy!” Lisa accused, “I literally do NOT have the capacity to help you with this.”

I considered Lisa’s words. I felt I’d done a LOT of personal exploration over the past while. It hadn’t really helped anything. I felt exhausted by the thought of doing more.

As I sipped my latte, a table near by erupted with a young mother with a hysterical young child. The little girl was hitting and punching at her mother and sobbing “No!No!No!” “I don’t like you Mummy!” “You’re MEAN!”

“I would NEVER put up with that!” Lisa didn’t have kids.

I recognized the look on that mother’s face all too well. I remembered those moments where I had to work to keep myself calm, knowing that if I got upset, things would only get worse.

Suddenly I had an idea “What if responded my horrible thoughts the same way I responded to my kids when they acted like that?”

“What do you mean?” Lisa asked

“well. . . what if I can learn to just put up with my inner critic by not taking it so seriously and just not letting it upset me?”

“Maybe” Lisa offered “It seems kind of tough . . . and perhaps too simple. . . “

Silence fell between us as we pondered the idea. . .

“but. . . “Lisa began “what if you didn’t have to succeed right away. You could simply experiment & practice? Lord knows you have lots of material to work with!” we laughed

In that moment I decided to take all the energy and effort I had put into finding a man and use it to practice as much tolerance for the cruel voices in my head as I could muster. . .and eventually, it began to work!