Next week, I'm gonna have an MRI to find out whether or not I have claustrophobia

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In school, they told me "practice makes perfect". Then they told me "nobody's perfect". So then I stopped practicing

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Here's some of my answers to everyday questions:

"Excuse me, sir. Do you know what time it is?" "No. I'm not from around here."

"Excuse me. Do you know where the train station is?" "Probably near the tracks."

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Sometimes when I'm over at someone's house and no one's in the kitchen, I like to write things on their to-do list they have on their refrigerator

"Memorize distances to all other planets."

"Adopt babies and sell on black market."

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You ever notice when a house burns down, the only thing left standing is the fireplace and the chimney?

How's that for evidence?

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I bought a new camera. It's very advanced. You don't even need it

Why are the pictures square if the lens is round?

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I bought a new phone. The first thing I did was push re-dial

The phone started having a nervous breakdown. The phone was twitching like this. "I don't have this information!"

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I bought an iPod. It can either hold 5,000 songs or one telephone message from my mother

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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right

I'm missing a wall in my kitchen

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Today, I was talking to myself. I was very polite and cordial but I could tell I was lying

Under my breath, I said, "You're full of shit." Then I said, "What?" Then I said, "Nothing."

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You know, if heat rises, heaven might be hotter than hell

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I'm thinking of buying a plasma television in case I need a blood transfusion

That way I can mainline 150 channels right into my arm

That way they can do my autopsy via satellite

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I have a CD burner. My fireplace

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Friend of mine is a pilot. We were gonna go somewhere in his car for absolutely no reason. He waited 45 minutes before he backed out of his driveway

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I have another pair of pants just like these. Except they're red with green stripes and they're shorts

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Last night, I was in a restaurant called Bulimians

The line for the bathroom was incredible