I love to smoke

I love to smoke and I love to eat red meat

I love to eat raw fucking red meat

Nothing I like better than sucking down a hot steaming cheeseburger

And a butt at the same time

I love to smoke, I love to eat red meat

And I only eat red meat that comes from cows who smoke, okay?

Special cows they grow in Virginia with voice boxes in their neck

I tried eating vegetarian

I feel like a wimp going into a restaurant

"What do you want to eat, sir?"

"Broccoli"

Broccoli's a side dish, folks

Always was, always will be, okay?

When they ask me what I want, I say

"What do you think I want? This is America

I want a bowl of raw red meat right now

Forget about that, bring me a live cow over to the table

I'll carve off what I want and ride the rest"

Dum dum da da dum da da dum

I'm gonna open my own place

Open my own restaurant and get away from you people

I'm gonna open my own restaurant with two smoking sections

Ultra and regular, okay?

And we're not gonna have any tables or any chairs or any napkins

None of that pussy shit

Just a big wide open black space

And all we're gonna serve is raw meat right on the bone

And only men are gonna eat there

Naked men sitting around a big giant campfire

And no men's room either

You have to piss, you mark your territory like a wolf

And if some guy has a heart attack from eating too much meat

Fuck him, we throw him in the fire

More meat for the other meat eaters, yeah

'Cause you gotta have goals

'Cause everybody in this room knows everybody who's quitting meat

You all have that friend who's quitting it

You know what I mean?

The guy who's quitting everything

"I quit smoking, I quit drugs, I quit drinking, I quit meat

Now I feel great

I get up in the morning with a nice big bowl of oat bran

I go to the bathroom for three and a half hours

I have another bowl of oat bran

I go back in the bathroom for six more hours

All I do is eat and shit

I'm gonna live forever

My colon is the strongest muscle in my body right now

I could pass Elvis through my colon right now"

And all these cereals they have

Cracklin' Oat Bran and Horkin' Fiber Chunks

You know, cereal used to come with free prizes

Now it comes with a free roll of toilet paper in every box

Guys get up on Sunday morning

"Forget about the New York Times, I'm gonna read the Bible

I got a big one brewing here"

"Dad, there's a phone call"

"I'm on Genesis, goddammit

You tell them to call back after the creation"

People checking their own feces for fiber

You have too much free fucking time on your hands, okay?

Red meat, white meat, blue meat

Meat-o-fucking-rama, you will eat it

Because not eating meat is a decision

Eating meat is an instinct

Yeah, and I know what it's about

"I don't want to eat the meat because I love the animals

I love the animals"

"I love the animals too, I love my dog, he's so cute

My fluffy little dog, he's so cute"

There's the problem

We only want to save the cute animals, don't we?

Yeah, why don't we just have animal auditions?

Line 'em up one by one and interview 'em individually

"What are you?"

"I'm an otter"

"And what do you do?"

"I swim around on my back and do cute

Little human things with my hands"

"You're free to go

And what are you?"

"I'm a cow"

"Get in the fucking truck, okay pal?"

"But I'm an animal"

"You're a baseball glove, get on that truck"

"I'm an animal, I have rights"

"Here, here's your fucking cousin

Get on the truck, pal"

We kill the cows to make jackets out of them

And then we kill each other for the jackets we made out of the cow

You will eat the meat, folks

Because this country was founded on two things: meat and war

You eat enough fucking meat, you want to kill somebody

That's the way it works

That was the ultimate American dream

For me during that Persian Gulf War

I was sitting in my living room naked with a can of Budweiser

And a three-inch steak watching the war live on TV

I had a six-foot erection with a giant cheeseburger on the end of it

I ate so much meat during the war

By the time it was over three weeks later

I was like, "No, no, no, we need to keep fighting

Make a couple of stops on our way home from the Persian Gulf

First stop, Vietnam

Surprise the fuck out of those people, huh?

You make a movie? Not this time, pal"

Personally, I think Mama Cass said it best when she said

"All the leaves are

Monday "