Oozing

Human doormat, you've seen him before

That sad mammal too frightened to talk back

Wet flannel you wipe on the floormat

This is the format

Excuse me sir, I think you're in my seat

I'm sorry, check my ticket, it says 7B

I know all the other seats are full, I'm so sorry

Oh god, why isn't he moving

He's just staring at me silently

I'm not trying to distract from the situation

But there's a hole between my ribs

Liquid's seeping out

I wonder why this always happens during confrontations

But then I work it out

And I'm like "Oh, dear me"

It seems I've sprung a leak

So can you fetch me a bucket?

I’m oozing confidence

It's a self-assurance feast

And I'm all that you can eat

So grab a dish from the buffet

I'm oozing confidence

Back to the chair and you're still staring, ah

I'm impervious, I'm not nervous, ah

'Cause I know how to resolve this situation

I grab the hole between my ribs

Pull it bigger now

And from the hole comes a sad little micturition

And now I'm freaking out

It's self-assurance drought

And I'm like, "Oh, no

I didn't plug the leak in time"

I can’t believe I didn’t plug it

That's pure incompetence

And I see you've realised

That I've oozed myself bone dry

Tenacity starts to plummet

I'm losing confidence

Now that I think about it

I reckon I would actually prefer standing

I was never one to shirk a challenge

And what better test of mettle

Than standing seven hours in the quiet carriage

I actually like the feel of lactic acid

Stacking in my legs while I'm fully static

Don't you think lactic acid is sick?

It's like my muscles are still

But they're filling up with acidic milk

At least I think that's what lactic acid is (I know!)

I'm distracted from the present practicalities

In summation, you can keep your seat

And I'll keep on my feet

And you can eat my KitKat (Sure!)

You've helped yourself already

No problem they were built for sharing

Oh, you're eating the whole thing yourself

That's great, I’m actually watching my health

Can I get you anything?

Uh, a napkin maybe?

For the— for the KitKat crumbs

I— er, um, I'm sure they've got one in the food cart

I'll— I'll go, I'll go and have a look, uh

No, no, I'm on my feet already

It's— it's— it's no bother honestly

Alright, I'll be right back

You stay right there

Don't you move a muscle

You've earned it

Really, you should be putting your feet up, that's right

Put them, up on the seat

That's what you deserve