Bringin’ Back Christmas

Look, real trees are trending downward Your sales continue slipping They destroyed your bottom lines With plastic pines and same-day shipping Well, you've got the better product But if you wanna win You gotta study human nature All those interested, lean in People are, one, lazy We only care about ourselves Your competition knows this So their crap flies off the shelves But we're also, two, desperate To feel good, smart, right And that's what you have to harness If you wanna win this fight See, what you're really selling Is the way things oughta be So your pitch becomes compelling Selling more than just a tree It's a symbol of your values It's your ethics and your cause You can either be fake like the trees they make Or take a stand for Santa Claus We're bringin' back Christmas We're bringin' back cheer We're bringin' back cozy nights, those twinkly lights, the glow of yesteryear Now, it's some slight manipulation But it's what we gotta do See, we need some confrontation Or your message won't get through We're bringin' back decency We're bringin' back Christmas And that means the piney scent of a real authentic tree Oh, it would be sure, simple To boost your market share We'd rebrand you as nostalgic Tell your customers you care But the world is what? (What?) Tribal! (Oh!) So if you want your sales to soar It's not enough for folks to love you They gotta hate your rivals more As an expert, my advice is Feed that hate, 'cause hate is strong Folks will gladly pay your prices To prove those Christmas killers wrong! We're bringin' back Christmas And all the joy that we lost (we're bringin' it back) Give me some peace on Earth A virgin birth, and Grandpa gettin' sauced Every Facebook-lovin' boomer Wants to fight a culture war (a culture war) So tell your core consumer (it's war) What the hell they're fightin' for A fight for morality (a fight for morality) We're bringin' back Christmas And it's not comin' back with some manufactured tree I'm talking a living tree in your living room As I reach up to place the angel on top I look out my window and I see my neighbor, Doug 'Cross the street, snapping together his artificial tree Easy-peasy, poor, lazy, deplorable Doug Who cares more about convenience than the happiness and respect Of his town, of his country, of our sacred holiday! I'm talkin' nativities and sweet baby Jeez Fat honey hams, Mariah Carey jams Feliz Navidad, and the birth of our God Gathered 'round with our families We're bringin' back Christmas We're bringin' back Christmas Plus a ton of cash From some good old-fashioned trees Oh, the cozy glow of yesteryear Oh, the twinkly lights and all the cheer We're bringin' back Christmas (we're bringin' back Christmas) Ah