Making a Man

A mind that is stronger than iron

That shines like a light in the dark

And a body that could wrestle a lion

And then deal out a witty remark

He has so very many astounding attributes

He's noble and courageous

He looks excellent in suits! (Yes!)

A seamless blend of dreaminess

Experience

And genius

These are the ingredients you need

When you're making a man

Making a hero

Quick as we can

The nation's in need of a marvellous man

A dependable dreamboat

A shining example of what humans can be

So we're making a man!

Ok!

Step one, thinking caps on

Gotta pull a fast one, fast on the Hun

Gotta find a corpse

A dead man

Of course

Can we gather a cadaver from the local morgue

Charles, this is a secret mission

We can't go raising any suspicion

Luckily I know the perfect man, to help us hatch this plan!

Welcome to London

We are cockneys

And this is what cockneys wear

Bodies, whatcha know about bodies?

Nothing at all

Well if you need information about expiration

There's only one man that you should call

He knows the ropes

He knows the knives

He knows all ways of ending lives

It's Spilsbury, Spilsbury

Introducing Bernard Spilsbury

So you say you want the perfect body? (Spilsbury)

I've got every kind that you could need (Sir Bernard Spilsbury)

Old ladies to adolescents

In all stages of putrescence

So come inside and see what you can see!

So don't delay or they'll decay

Come on fellas, step this way!

And feast your eyes on all my lovely bodies (Spilsbury)

Take a look, I've quite the repertoire (Sir Bernard Spilsbury)

From grandads to old biddies

Young men to little kiddies

You want homicide or suicide?

Or can't decide?

Well come inside and see (Monty, make it stop!)

Mr Roberts, choked on a yoghurt

Mr Beasles, mauled by weasels

If you're after buckets of gore, here's Brian

He's basically a lung in a drawer

No!

It's just Brian

Bernard, we need a chap who's fresh

Of military age, with undamaged flesh

So if the Spanish do an autopsy

They certify him, drowned at sea!

Have no fear I'll find you a perfect body (Spilsbury)

I get skiploads of these stiffs

Each and every day (Sir Bernard Spilsbury)

I'll find your dear departed

That we need to get things started

Or my name isn't Bernard Spilsbury

OBE

I'll find you your man

Step two, leave a trail of clues

Pack a wallet with receipts so that we can prove

That our Bill had a life, a man about town

Who splashed his cash then drowned

And they will find that he dined at

The hottest joints, with the coolest cats

The swinging spots with the hotsy-totsy

Oh the man liked such a thrill

And they will all see

Our boy, he had such a taste for finery

He's dressed to impress

Wouldn't settle for less

34 around the chest

Only the best for Bill

Penny for me Guvnor

What century are you in?

Yay!

Step three, send Bill to sea

Get him all the way to Spain in secrecy

So he can wash ashore and then win us the war

Charles, my genius take the floor

Now, it's a good plan, Charles but

It's got to be approved by every fusty old admiral in this building

Good Luck!

Admirals, may I present my idea for the world's first human thermos

Our Bill will sail by submarine

In a giant thermos, a corpse canteen!

Vacuum-packed and airtight through and through

Chop, chop

We've got a lot to do

Suck out the oxygen so Bill won't rot (what?)

Add dry ice and he won't get hot

When he's on his quest

It's only the best for Bill

Well, what's it made of?

Stainless Steel

Won't it smell?

Well, that's why it's sealed

What about the crew, won't they know there's a corpse aboard?

That's a bloody good question

I forgot what I said

We could say that it's equipment

It's a top-secret shipment, it's need to know

Jean, that is brilliant!

I'm quite impressed

Only the best for Bill

Monty, the map with the submarine's course to Huelva on it

Have you seen it?

What?

I was sure that I put it-

Well the whole file is missing

It'll turn up

But-

The crew have their orders

They're going to Spain Charles, it's not hard

You turn left at France then it's straight on 'till you hear maracas

Monty, that file is confidential

If we've lost it we could get into serious trouble-

Charlie don't be so narrow-minded

Well, I don't think it's narrow-minded-

Stop fretting about guidelines and rules

This is important Monty-

Now remember we're His Majesties finest

But I don't see what it's got to do-

And regulations are for cowards and fools

But Monty we're responsible

For how this thing is done

If we claim the final victory

Who cares just how we won

For when you write the book

My boy, you're off the hook

So just be a man

'Cos we're making a hero

Quick as we can

The nation's in need of a marvellous man

A dependable dreamboat

A shining example of what humans can be

Making a man

We're doing well Charles but we still don't have that damn body

Yes I'm aware of that fact Monty

I'll call Spilsbury

No, no, please please don't make me see that man again!

He can't get you, you know

Horrible, wet hands!

This is the most secure building in England, alright

There's no way he can find us here

Lads look here I've found your perfect body (Spilsbury)

Look what fate has landed in our lap (Sir Bernard Spilsbury)

This homeless chap in Croydon

Accidentally ate rat poison

The perfect worm to bait our little trap

He's Perfect!

So he didn't drown?

Don't worry about it

Won't they suspect

Hah, I doubt it

Foreigners aren't great coroners, see

And no one in Spain is as clever as me!

I've found your man

I've saved the day

So fetch my fee

And I'll be on my way

Really makes you wonder about the security of the building, doesn't it

Sirs I've finished your documentation, our pilot officially exists

And the good news is, we have a body

You've got a body?

Cooling in the freezer as we speak

And who was he?

Well, this is the best part-

Um, Monty

He was just some tramp

Excuse me?

Monty?

Spilsbury got him off the street

No family no one to raise the alarm when he's gone

It's Perfect

Where is Montagu?

Oh good

I did not hand you His Majesties chequebook, so you could spend

Hundreds of pounds on jewellery, cocktails, theatre tickets?

The things I do for this country

You are out of control!

Johnny, we need the receipts for Bill's wallet, alright

Do you really think you're working independently?

Or that you're little team's the only thing that's under me?

The notion that you're more than a drop in the ocean

Of the hundred plans I have in motion is enough to earn demotion

Montagu this war is bigger than you!

Please stop acting like I don't know what to do!

You're making a mockery of this whole damn operation!

You are making a mess of every decision that you're making!

You're making a spectacle!

Well, you're making it difficult to be sensible!

You're making it about you 'cos you're bloody egotistical

Oh my God

John, wait!

Just, let me explain

Picture the scene

A bachelor residing in Oval

Here's his lease agreement

Soon to make his way up the aisle

They'll tie the knot next summer

And to celebrate his recent betrothal

A sparkling diamond ring

They spent the night in London in style

One night on the town

And he took his girl to dinner

And the latest West End show

She said he looked so handsome in his suit from Saville Row

One last night of celebration

Before he leaves to save this nation

Delivering the plans of our Sardinian invasion

With a never-ending paper trail

A cover story, that can't fail

We made him up

Then made his life come true

Believe in Bill

And they'll believe him too

We've made you a man

So, what do you think?

It's, good

It's believable

But I do think it's missing one thing

What?

He needs to be carrying a letter

From his fiance

From this girl that he loves

Soldiers don't go off to war without a reminder of

Why they're fighting in the first place

Quite right, I like it

And they'll see it there in writing

That our Bill, he went down fighting

For his love, his life and his democracy

So we're making a man

Making a hero

Quick as we can

The nation's in need of marvellous man

A dependable dreamboat

A shining example of what humans can be

God that's brilliant!

Really brilliant!

God that's brilliant!

They'll never see it coming

God that's brilliant!

Really brilliant!

God that's brilliant!

So daring and so cunning

A seamless blend of dreaminess

Experience and genius

These are the ingredients you need

When you're making a man