Fat Shame

This is a story of a love of food that will never stop

I've got a motorized trolley

It's how I get from my house to the shops

I've searched the net

Looking for answers, found countless diets

I did them all at once

You can't say that I never tried

Why am I so fat?

Is it my glands or just that

I eat everything known to man

Is that why I am so grand

Why I'm so fat?

Why am I obese?

I haven't seen my feet since I was seventeen

When Tony Blair got into Downing Street

I'm heading straight towards late onset diabetes

I'm a fatty

Went to the doctors

He told me to staple my stomach shut

I'd only eat liquid

Eat liquid! What the?

So I went to weight watchers

And listened hard to the other fatties' tales

But it was a failure cos when it was my turn

I went and broke the scales

Why am I so fat?

Is it my love of lard and toast

Or just that the only exercise I have is to go to the fridge and then to come back?

Why am I obese?

The flaps underneath my arms really reek of putrid fungal cheese

Under this arm and beneath my knees is all fungally

I'm a fatty

So I went to my mother and she told me she'd love me however large I became

But when I hugged her she died from oxygen starvation to the brain

So I spoke to my dad and the pragmatist told me

Son, eat more fruit and veg

So I ate all I had and I ended up s**tting myself dangerously close to death

Why am I so fat?

Was it my mum and dad and the crucial fact that

McDonald's and their like like were more than a passing fad?

Why am I obese?

Is it my genes, nothing to do with me

And all of this food I eat

This table of beige food laid out in front of me

In all it's majesty