Stuart

You know what, Stuart? I like you

You're not like the other people here in the trailer park

Oh, don't go get me wrong

They're fine people, they're good Americans

But they're content to sit back

Maybe watch a little Mork and Mindy on channel 57

Maybe kick back a cool, Coors 16-ouncer

They're good, fine people, Stuart

But they don't know what the queers are doing to the soil

You know that Jonny Wurster kid?

The kid that delivers papers in the neighborhood?

He's a fine kid

Some of the neighbors say he smokes crack, but I don't believe it

Anyway, for his tenth birthday, all he wanted was a burrow owl

Kept bugging his old man "Dad, get me a burrow owl

I'll never ask for anything else as long as I live"

So the guy breaks down and buys him a burrow owl

Anyway, 10:30, the other night, I go out in my yard

And there's the Wurster kid, looking up in the tree

I say, "What are you looking for?"

He says "I'm looking for my burrow owl"

I say, "Jumpin' Jesus on a Pogo stick

Everybody knows the burrow owl lives in a hole, in the ground"

Why the hell do you think they call it a burrow owl, anyway?"

Now Stuart, do you think a kid like that is going to know

What the queers are doing to the soil?

I first became aware of all this about ten years ago

The summer my oldest boy, Bill Jr., died

You know that carnival comes into town every year?

Well this year they came through with a ride called "The Mixer"

The man said, "Keep your head, and arms, inside the Mixer at all times"

But Bill Jr, he was a daredevil, just like his old man

He was leaning out saying, "Hey everybody, look at me! Look at me!"

Pow! He was decapitated

They found his head over by the snow cone concession

A few days after that I open up the mail

And there's a pamphlet in there from Pueblo, Colorado

And it's addressed to Bill, Jr. and it's entitled

"Do You Know What the Queers are Doing to Our Soil?"

Now, Stuart, if you look at the soil around any large US city

With a big undeground homosexual population

Des Moines, Iowa, for example

Look at the soil around Des Moines, Stuart

You can't build on it, you can't grow anything in it

The government says it's due to poor farming

But I know what's really going on, Stuart

I know it's the queers. They're in it with the aliens

They're building landing strips for gay Martians

I swear to God!

You know what, Stuart, I like you

You're not like the other people

Here in the trailer park