Tiger

My favorite thing about playing Vegas is I get to play this golf

Course called Shadow Creek, which is one of the most exclusive golf

Courses in the world. I worked for 'em three years, didn't even know

It existed, because they knew if I found out it existed that I'd

Pester the fuck out of 'em 'til they put it in my contract, which is

Exactly what happened. It's amazing, this golf course is just fucking

So tricked out. The first time I walked through the gates I was like

"Nobody's stopping me." It's where all the pros play when they're in

Vegas. And I was out there this summer and Tiger Woods was out there

Just dicking around. I may sign my golf glove. I got to meet the most

Famous person I've ever met and I know a lot of famous people, but

Nobody's as famous as Tiger fucking Woods. I love Tiger, man

I defended Tiger when all that stuff first came out. When I heard

Those initial rumors, I felt sick to my goddamn stomach for the guy

Because I've never been accused of doing anything I didn't do. Not

One goddamn time. I did it every single time. Not once could I go, "

No, that was Glen Campbell." Hey, a lot of things smell like strippers

. And I defended him to my wife, I said, "You don't know what this

Guy's been through. He had his first famous golf shot on television

When he was two years old. You don't know what his home life's like

You can't judge a guy 'cause he made one mistake." Then he gets

Called number thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen. I started going

"Goddamn, Tiger. Come on, buddy." And it got to the point where every

Time he got caught with another woman, my wife would go like this. "

What? I don't even know the fucking guy. You act like I was holding

His dick the whole time." We watched him make that long apology on

Television and afterwards my wife goes, "Well, do you think a guy

Like Tiger could quit cheating on his wife?" And I said, "You bet."

Which you know is bullshit, 'cause you know as well as I do, if a

Guy likes strange, getting him to quit wanting strange is like

Getting a dog that likes to kill chickens to quit killing chickens

They don't even know what you're talking about. "You gotta quit

Killing chickens." "Alright, let me see if I got this straight. I can

Still kill chickens." "No, you can't kill chickens anymore." "

Alright. Let's say I'm in a hotel room with a chicken. Let's say the

Chicken just wants to touch me. Can I kill that chicken?" "No." My

Wife told me all women want the same thing. They wanna marry somebody

Who will never have sex with anybody else, no matter what. And I

Said, "Well, then, maybe you should consider marrying somebody that

Nobody else wants to fuck. If it means that much to you, you know?

Don't marry the most famous golfer in the world, marry the most

Famous Frisbee golfer in the world. Ain't no line to fuck that dude

" We had a chat about cheating that day, man. My wife told me, she

Goes, "Listen, Ron, let's get this straight. Sex is sex, period."

I said, "No, now, wait a minute. Oral sex is not the same as

Intercourse." She goes, "It's the exact same thing." I said, "It's

Not the same price." "I heard that on the radio." It all comes down

To opportunity, man. Some guys are put into a position where they

Have to say no to beautiful women, and that is hard to do. And some

Guys are never put in that position, and that's way fucking easier

I see these big, 350-pound guys all the time going, "I have never

Cheated on my wife." I'm like, "I bet that was tough. Tiger doesn't

Get any credit for all that pussy he turned down, and that's the

Number you're looking for right there." My wife's best friend, her

Husband cheated on her. And my wife hates Tiger's guts, and I'm like

"Well, what about that guy? You don't hate that guy." She goes, "

He did it one time." I said, "He had one chance. This guy had sex with

100% Of the women he possibly could his entire goddamn life. Tiger

Was 18 for 82,000. That takes a little goddamn discipline right

There. If 82,000 women wanna have sex with you and you only fuck 18

Of 'em, that's love. He was in love with that woman. She broke his

Tiny Tiger heart." He lost all those sponsors, which never made sense

To me, 'cause his core fan base is men. I don't know one guy in

America who gave a fiddler's fuck what he did. I guarantee you not

One guy in America went, "Really? Tiger got some strange pussy? I'm

Dropping AT&T." Not one guy gave a fiddler's fuck. Now, when they

Were around their wives, they'd act like they gave a fiddler's fuck

Get all Foghorn Leghorn. "Why, I never. I can't believe a man would

Commit such transgressions towards his wife. I say, I say, how's his

Relationship with the Lord, I'd like to know?" Then as soon as

They're around their buddies, they're like, "Wonder what kind

Of cologne he wears. I wanna smell just like that dude, man."

He lost so many sponsors, I'm thinking about bringing him over

To Ron White, Inc., and not because we need a new face for the

Company. I'd just love to have somebody around the house to fade

The heat when I fuck up. "Ron White, you are the most selfish

Prick I have ever met in my life." "Tiger, get in here. You tell

Her what you did." "Ron White, you are the finest man I have

Ever known. I shall fall to my bended knee and suckle your penis

" "Well, thank you, baby. Slow down. Watch out for those ears."