And sports needs steroids

It does, are you kidding me?

Oh baseball certainly, baseball's a strike away from being soccer

Yeah, and if you like soccer, well, welcome to America

See our country already has entertainment so  watching people

Chase the ball for four hours to end zero-zero is not enjoyable

Unless of course the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies

Or you're watching that girl from the University of New Mexico

She seems pretty competitive

Remember her, she was yankin' people down by the hair

Kickin' chicks in the pussy

I can only assume her father had a bunch of gambling debt

And everything was riding on that game

And she's out there, I'm doin' this for you, Pa

Or she really hates Mormons, one or the other

Pretty sure they were playing B.Y.U.

Baseball, nobody wants to watch a pitching battle either

Let's hit the ball deep

Don't worry about your records either

For every superstar that's done steroids

A billion double A boys have juiced up

So the playing field is plenty even

We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure

As soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name

Gettin' to break records before black people were allowed to play

Excuse me

Where is that asterisk?

Why don't people talk about that?

I'd love to know how many homers the Babe woulda hit

Had CC been throwin' 92 mile an hour sliders

Yeah, maybe the fat boy woulda put the cigar down

And quit pointing had Jose been allowed

To swim 90 miles to throw him a junk ball

Don't worry if you don't follow

90 miles is the distance from Key West to Cuba

Jose's a stereotypical name for Latino ball player

And a junk ball is an impossible pitch to hit yard

Any place except for the new Yankee stadium

Which is a joke

The point

Is the record books might look a little different

Had our country not been founded by racists, that's all

And I love that in 2010

You're still not allowed to shit on the founding fathers, why not?

Screw them, they were a bunch of racist fucking pigs

With a handful of good ideas

I just hope

When they were signing the Declaration of Independence

They shot each other a glance, all men are created equal

You know what we mean

Now get me some hot coffee, boy

At least we're not women, right fellas?

What is that like? Is it horrible? Is it awful?

To know you're number two

By the way, these aren't my beliefs

It's my observations on the world I live in

If it changes, I'll adjust the material accordingly

I like it when you try to rationalize it

No, it's great being a woman, free drinks is worth not having equality

Listen, you're in a great country to be number two

Because least in America, it's close

Right, men are here, women are here

Some countries it's like this, and house cat is right there

Cool, that is a bad country to be a women in

Don't get lost on a hike there

You'll end up on Youtube without a head

And there's no web redemption for that

I do think we can be a little less P.C. when it comes to sports though

Just once I wanna hear an announcer go, God, black people are fast

Holy cow, all of them, they're fast

Back to you Bob

Why don't we say that? We're all the same species, got it

If I'm at a horse track and I see 'em crammin' a clydesdale

In gate 3, uh I'm not gonna put my money on it

Gonna bet on the thoroughbred

Preferably one from Jamaica

They've got wheels

I don't like Stewart Scott on Sports Center

Uh, if you don't know who he is

He's a black gentlemen that graduated fro U.N.C.

With almost perfect grades

Uh, he feels the need to talk hip hop for absolutely no reason at all

While he's callin' plays he'll be like

Boo-yah

Easy, Stewart

First of all, I have more street cred than you

Second of all I have HD television and you have one eye

Yeah

That's grossin'  me out

It's eight in the morning and I'm eatin' Eggos

I don't want to see cyclops strugglin' with the teleprompter

Boo-yah

Take that to the U.K. where they embrace ugly people on television

Not here in America, you circus freak

Yeah, next time you want to catch passes on the sideline

Use your hands, don't let it come to the body

You learn that in Pop warner

I'm aware I could end the joke at the good part

I choose not to