I'm not the victim in every story I tell

I just got good at editing

I told you she was crazy but I drove her there

I told you he was absent but I got his playbook memorized

Same man I hate same patterns I repeat

I swore I'd never raise my voice and then I raised it

Not my fist never my fist

But volume is violence when the room is small enough

I watched her flinch at my tone and thought

That's not me

But it was me

It's always the men who say that's not me

Standing exactly where their fathers stood

Same tile same kitchen different woman same result

I'm not my dad I'm just his rough draft with better shoes

I told my boy I was working on myself

He said bro you been working on yourself for 4 years

And I laughed cos what else do you do

When someone says the truest shit you've ever heard

At a gas station at 2AM

While you're both pretending the snacks are why you're here

I'm the problem I've been texting about

I'm the red flag in my own screenshot

Every girl that left had the same exit speech

And I keep blaming the door

I'm the problem dressed up as the plot twist

Convinced I'm the character development

But what if I'm just the scene they had to cut

For the story to make sense

She said you disappear I said I'm right here

But right here with my mind in another postal code

Is just a body in a chair

I've been present like a painting

Hanging there looking like something

Contributing nothing

My therapist said I intellectualize my emotions

I said that's an interesting observation

She just stared at me

Longest three seconds of my life

I know the language I know the theory I read the books

I can explain attachment styles at dinner parties

And then go home and avoid every text like a profession

I'm not healing I'm studying healing

There's a difference and I've been faking the grade

Parked at Pump 4 again

The cashier waved I waved back

Two people who know each other's schedule but not each other's name

And I thought maybe that's all I'm capable of

Proximity without access

Familiar without known

I'm the problem I've been texting about

I'm the red flag in my own screenshot

Every girl that left had the same exit speech

And I keep blaming the door

I'm the problem but I'm tired of saying it

Like confession makes it clean

It doesn't

It just makes you the guy who knows he's drowning

And still won't grab the rope

Cos grabbing the rope means admitting you're in the water

You wanna know the worst thing I ever did

I let someone love me knowing I wasn't ready

Not cos I'm evil cos it felt warm

And I was cold

And cold people don't think about what happens

When the warm person runs out

They just get cold again and find the next heater

I did that three times

Three women who tried

Three women who left lighter than they came

And I kept the weight like a souvenir

I'm not telling you this so you feel sorry for me

I'm telling you cos Track 5 is coming

And I want to earn it

You don't get to heal in the last song

If you didn't bleed in this one

Engine off

No coffee

Just me and Pump 4

And the version of myself I can't swipe past anymore