If Only

All I seem to do

Is sit here thinking of you

When pleasure and pain

Become one and the same

It leaves me dazed and confused

I have a lock of your hair

Stored up in a cold plastic bag

Not given in love

But clawed out from your head

The last night you spent in my bed

If only you knew

Just how much you've been torturing me

If only you knew

Well, if only I could stop thinking

If only you knew

Hassles in life they will come and go

But the hardest thing I've found

Is trying to live with myself

I can't get to sleep

I infrequently eat

And I'm smoking my way

Back to yellow stains

Mention cancer to me

And I'll inwardly freeze

And vow never again

I want to relive

The passion of those days

Skin cells under fingernails

And sheets in disarray

And that feeling of calm

As I lay in your arms

And I'd whisper into your ear

If only you knew

Just how much you've been torturing me

If only you knew

Well, if only I could stop thinking

If only you knew

What they have said

I don't give a damn

They see the world different from me

And you know they always have

If only you knew

Just how much you've been torturing me

If only you knew

Well, if only I could stop thinking

If only I could stop thinking

If only I could stop thinking

If only you knew

That I'm missing you

If only you knew

If only you knew