The Whole "Being Dead" Thing

Hey, folks

Begging your pardon

'Scuse me

Sorry to barge in

Now let's skip the tears and start on

The whole, y'know

"Being dead" thing

You're doomed

Enjoy the singing

The sword of Damocles is swinging

And if I hear

Your cell-phone ringing

I'll kill you myself

The whole "being dead" thing

Death can get a person stressed

"We should have carpe'd way more diems

Now we're never gonna see 'em"

I can show you what comes next

So don't be freaked

Stay in your seats

I do this bullshit, like, eight times a week

So just relax, you'll be fine

Drink your fifty-dollar wine

And take a breath

Welcome to a show about death

You're

You're gonna be fine

On the other side

Die, you're all gonna die, you're all gonna die

I'll

I'll be your guide

To the other side

Oh, and full disclosure

It's a show about death

Everybody gets on fine here

Like Rodgers, Hart, and Hammerstein here

The women's bathroom has no line here

Just pee where you want

The whole "being dead" thing

You're just gonna love the folks here

Yeah, I know you're woke, but you can take a joke here

And every show, I do, like, a ton of coke here

The whole

The whole "being dead" thing

Nobody is bullet-proof

"I work out, I eat clean"

Jesus, pass the Dramamine

Time to face the brutal truth

'Cause we're all on a hit-list

Might not live till Christmas

Choke to death on Triscuits

Hey, that's just statistics

So take a little break here

Kinda like a wake here

The scenery is fake here

But there's a giant snake here

Welcome to a show about death

You're

You're gonna be fine

Thank you

On the other side

How're you doin'?

Oh, not good?

Hard to believe-a-dee-bop-bop

I'll

Hey

I'll be your guide

To the other side

Seriously, though, this is a show about

Death is taboo, but it's hardly something new

There's nothing medical professionals can do

'Cept maybe just bill you

If you die while listening to this album

It's still gonna keep playing

There's no destiny or fate

Just a terrifying wait

Filled with people that you hate

And on a certain date, the universe kills you

That's the thing with life

No one makes it out alive

Toss that body in the pit

"Gosh, it's awful, ain't it tragic?"

Blah, blah, Bible, Jesus, magic"

When you're dead, who gives a shit?

No pilates, no more yoga

"Namaste", you freakin' posers

From the cradle to cremation

Death just needs a little conversation

I have mastered the art

Dies Irae

Of tearing convention apart

Dies Irae

So, how about we all make a start

Dies Irae

On the whole being dead thing?

God, I hope you're ready for a show about death