Adventures in Failure

Damn, I hate this job To work in this dump you gotta be a snob Everybody gets on my nerves in this place I think I'll take the afternoon off from the rat race An exciting career Don't amount to much but a pain in the rear I bust my ass all day for a dollar And then I go home and listen to the kids holler Devoted spouse waiting in the den Wants to hit me upside the head with a rolling pin Does that ring a bell? A daily routine we all know well I'm making more but enjoying it less The good life's mainly causin' me stress Making a change is difficult but I gotta try to get out of this rut But fear seems to be holdin' me back Courage is the principle trait I lack I gotta calm my nerves so I can think I pour myself a nice stiff drink And another, this is my usual mode One for the money and ten for the road Ah, now everything is clear I got to get the hell out of here Yes now my mission is plain A Big Mac is calling my name I gotta sample some of Ronald's cooking So I raid my wifes purse when she's not looking Pondering the wonderful thing called marriage I accidentally back the car into a baby carriage 'scuse me ma'am I'd love to stay and chat But watch where you're going next time you old bat I hit the gas and zoom down the block Leave her in the dust yelling for the cops Swerve round a corner trying to steer I get so excited I almost spill my beer A neighborhood dog is yapping at my bumper So I slam on the brakes and I hear a big thump I jump the curb and land up on a lawn Then I finish my beer and turn the radio on Some idiot's going on about rehab I grab a brew and yank on the pull tab Here comes a little old lady with a shot gun I put the pedal to the metal and she runs Digging on my off-road driving power I do a donut in a bed of flowers Then I jerk the wheel a little to hard The car rolls over and over on out of the yard (Causin' much destruction) (Act the fool) I come to rest in the middle of the street A bunch of empty beer cans rattlin' at my feet Starin' in the window is a nosy little brat I look him in the eyes and say "I meant to do that" Then I notice my watch says I'm overdue For my big appointment at the local drive through I do a number on the accelerator And I'm cuttin' in line about thirty seconds later "Whattya think this is? Some kinda joke? Gimme ten Big Macs and a small diet Coke" Pull up to the window with my radio playing I grab the bag and leave without paying I weave down the road for a block Juggling a beer and a a Styrofoam box Pull into a parking lot and kill the motor Presently I notice a peculiar odor A little black smoke is rising from the hood Something's gonna happen and it's probably not good I open the door, grab my stuff and go Just in time to watch the whole thing blow The car explodes with a bang and a hiss Oh boy, my wife is gonna really like this I can't believe this is happenin' to me This piece of junk is going back to the factory This was a blatant attempt on my life Everyone'll fall for that - except my wife But wait, a plan begins to emerge I suddenly have an overwhelming urge To spend the night in the great outdoors My suburban lifestyle has become a bore I'll build a fire, finish my burgers What my wife don't know won't hurt her I leave the scene of the unhappy event Resolve to make the most of my predicament A few yards away I feel better I know, I'll write her a letter Or better yet, a ransom demand "Got your husband, send the money understand? Or else we'll send his head home in a jar P.S. Sorry 'bout the car" Yeah, now that ought to really do the trick I'll be gettin' off the hook and she'll be worried sick But really, I'm gonna make it up to you honey I'll buy you a new car with your own damned money I walk a while into the sunset A man at peace with the world, you bet Nothing can diminish my total enjoyment Except when I pass my place of employment Damn! I hate this job To work in this dump you gotta be a snob Everybody gets on my nerves in this place I think I'll take the afternoon off From the rat race (Hard like a criminal)